Dear Bullies... Fuck you...

so... i was watching 20/20 this episode of 20/20 the other night... and it really brought back a lot of memories of my middle school days at Mt. Calvary Middle School... where i was bullied by a group of girls... the ring leader being a girl named Tanisha Reid... to this day i have a great deal of hatred towards her... which a lot of it i have had to let go for me in order to move forward in my own life... but watching shit like this just brings me back...

back to when i was afraid to go to school... back to my lunch being stolen on a regular basis... back to being slapped in the face... back to being taunted because i was under developed (btw... most of those girls i went to middle school with are morbidly obese now... just sayin *flips hair and smiles*)... back to when i felt i was absolutely miserable... and constantly had to deal with anxiety and fear...

i was entirely to scared to tell my parents... mainly because they adore me... and if they ever thought i was going through what i was they would have ran up in Mt. Calvary and whooped ever teachers and bullues behind in there and didn't want them being put in jail... i tried to tell staff but they would give a slap on the hand to the kids i was being bullied by... and they would go right back to it... i suffered through this for two years of my life...

i'm just wondering how many children have to take their lives before this bulling will stop... when will these cowards be prosecuted and these schools be held responsible for the well being of the children that attend these school that allow bulling to go on there...

this scares and saddens me... because one day... i want to have children... and if my child would be "bullied to death" or assaulted by a bully... it's gonna be a lot more than words...

Nola*

and on the count of 3... every body run back to your fantasy...

i'm in a relationship... i love him... he loves me... this is where i'm suppose to be...

i wish is was that simple...

some days (not often...) if feels like it's forced... i have a lot of resentment towards him because of shady actions during our dating days... and a few things that have occurred during our relationship (i know... i have to let it go...) ... but we're moving forwards... but some days i just want to give up... and go back to my "fantasy..."

i miss Terrell... he called me on thursday while i was getting a pedicure... "he Tiff babe!!!! i was just checking on you! u didn't return my text... how are you?!" to which i replied... "hey Rell! i'm sorry darling been busy" (i hadn't been busy) "i'm well, how are you?" we had small talk about what had been going on in each others lives... Terrell is graduating from grad school in december... i told him how proud i was of him (he's been in grad school for like 3 years... basically since i've known him...) and let him know that i'm taking him out to dinner to celebrate... then out of the blue... he let me know how much he's always appreciated me... and he's glad that i'm in his life...

i think out of all of the men i've dated... i loved Terrell the most... without judgement... without question... even if he loved me or not... i loved him with everything i had... i loved him as much as he would let me love him... and truth be told... if he would have asked me to wait for him... i would have obliged... but he loved me enough to let me know that a future between him and i would never be certain... and that i should find someone that could give me what i wanted... because he wasn't able to... and he didn't know if he ever would be able to...

you know... i think when you move on from someone... but you still have hopes for what could be... you leave a piece of your heart with them... just so you have something to stand on if you ever come back... and on the real... i have left a small portion of my heart with Rell...

my heart aches when i talk to him... and when i see him i fight back tears... when he hugs me i pull back after a few moments even when he refuses to let go... i don't return text messages right away... and i won't answer his phone calls... i respectfully avoid him...

cause at the end of the day... what could be between Rell and i, is merely a fantasy... and with Ny... what i have is real...

we always want... what we can't have... sheesh...

ugh... this feeling shit is for the birds... i'm outtie...

Nola*

organized randoms... (tellum how u feel tuesday)

on being in love with one person:

• it's complicated as hell... i didn't have to worry about all these weird feeling when i was single...
• i find myself randomly bringing him up in conversations... missing him when he's only been gone from my presence less than 5 minutes... and writing his name over and over again in meetings...
• how the hell is he able to make me upset over stupid shit... one time... i said that PG girls are the prettiest girl in the metro area... he said NOVA girls were... I cursed him out... cried... and had an attitude for 3 days...
• i love having only one man in my life... cause i don't have to lie... or try to figure out who gave me an STD...

on annoying ass co-workers:

• Don... this man smacks food... tries to hold conversations with me when he CLEARLY SEES me eating... and tries to take credit for everything that is done in the world... he once said that he met President Obama and inspired him to run for office... really... i'm not lying...
• Cynthia... this mustache wearing bitch gets on my last damn nerves... this chick constantly looks at everything i wear to work... and then criticises it... bitch... worry more about getting the lip waxed and less about my Pandora Charm bracelet/necklace...
• Trash guy... I don't know u... stop acting like you know me... trying to carry on meaningless conversation is dumb... you're only going to be talking to the back of my head... empty my trash and keep it moving...
• mail guy... refer to trash guy... give me my mail... and keep it moving...
• fat old bitter bitches in my building... i cannot help it that you're office crush has the hots for me... i'm 26... this is my "hey day" yours has passed... get over it...
• guards... please stop randomly stopping my car cause you want to see my legs... it was cute the first 20 times you did it... not it's just making me late for work...

on my parents:

• dad... stop getting mad because i've become just like you... we're assholes... and it take a certain type of person to put up with us...
• mom... thanks for being the certain type of person that puts up with us...
  

on friends:

• Yani and i don't talk as much as we use to... but we're always gonna be best friends... we're at different places in our lives... she's a mom... i'm not... even though it's a small change... it's impacted our relationship... but there nothing that i wouldn't do for her... and vice versa...
• Dee Dee... i would have never thought we would be this close... you're amazing... don't change...
• PJezzy... you're my ATL shorty... and no matter how far you go i'll always be you pretty girl county buddy... stop boning strippers... that's how you get worms...
• Tweezy... ur my messy little hoe face... stop boning girls you pick up at the club... that's how you get herpes... and worms... and their boyfriend who gave them both knocking at ur door at 3:30am... (true story... I was on the phone with him when it happened...)
• Rob... i love u sooo... i'm gonna have to send you a bill because if it wasn't for you i would have drove NyJuan crazy... either that or killed him... lol... i'll fly to Florida anytime and check a bitch for you..

on my blog:

• i blog when i want... and i wanted to blog today... hope you enjoyeddddddddddddddd... lol

Nola*

relationships vs. relationSH!TS

so... most of my girlfriends are settled down like myself... and they are very happy and monogamous in their current relationships... but there is this one woman... who is rounding 30 who is still single... and she loathes her current status...

to be honest... out of all of my girlfriend she is the most attractive... she has a great personality... and has a lot going for her... but she constantly dates the same kind of guys... ball players... club promoters... and party guys... these men are always have tons of women around them... and are in no way shape or form ready to settle down... and she constantly tries to "save" this guys...

why the hell would you want a guy that doesn't want you? i mean... we've all been there before... trying to get a man to do what we want them to do... but i think we've all came to the understanding that if a man wants you... he's show it... and if he doesn't... you know it... (i should trademark that line... lol)

i just really hope she wakes up... and stops trying to convince a man of her worth... and finds someone who can see it without her having to open her mouth and tell them...

Nola*

some days... i just wanna be single...

relationships are a lot of work... you find out something new about a person everyday... and sometimes you find those new things about that person straight out SUCK...

i love him... no question about that... i want to be with him... no question about that either... but loving him so much... and wanting to be with him so much sometimes causes me what i feel at the time is unnecessary pain... cause if i were single... and just dating him i wouldn't feel like this... he would be disposable... cause what he lacks... i would simply and unapologetically find someone else to pick up his slack...

but at this point that's not an option...

the things that hurt... i have to deal with... well at least until the point the pain becomes unhealthy for me... and then i'd have to deal with choosing myself over him... and walk away...

i know it sounds really bad but today is one of those days where the only reason i'm with him is because i love him... cause today... i just don't see that person i feel in love with...

Nola*

funerals, ghetto/country ghetto ass relatives, and hot ass churches...

so... my grandmother passed away... peacefully... to be honest it was the most beautiful transition into death i have ever seen... she simply drifted to sleep... it was around 9:30... and i just got home from the gym... i walked in and saw my dad with this strange look on his face... my mom came downstairs and said she was gone... i then walked downstairs to my room... laid on my bed and began to cry... then all of sudden... I felt this warm feeling from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet... like someone was laying gently on me... it lasted for about 30 seconds... and then went away... in my mind it was her... giving me a hug goodbye... i miss her...

now for the ignorant shit...

we get to the church... Upper Room Baptist Church... and there is NO AC in this church... as we walk in i hear some dude reading this sad ass bible verses... we sit down... it's hot ass hell... and the service starts... the choir (which consisted of 3... yes... 3 old people who couldn't sing...) started singing some sad ass song... that was off key... my cousin Tone got up... gave a beautiful speech about my grandmother... that was short sweet and to the point...

the next thing i know... this lame ass minister gets up and starts preaching about everything in the world other than my grandmother... he starts talking about how tatoo's mean you practice in witch craft... about how you gotta be in a wheelbarrow... and if you have a tattoo your going to hell... (i have three... but if i am going to hell... it won't be for a tattoo... God can come up with a bunch of other reason for me to go there... lol... just kidding... not really...)

*sidenote* my current boyfriend... and my x boyfriend both showed up at the funeral... my family seemed to get a good laugh out of that... smh...*

and of course the repass was hilarious... niggas kept coming up to me telling me how much i've grown... and how i look just like my mother... i didn't even know who they were... i left early... i was in a crappy mood... and i didn't feel like people hugging me tell me it was going to be ok...

i'm glad my Grandma is resting... she deserves it... love you ma'...

Nola*

Grandma will be here for a long time........ No... she won't...

i walked in the house in tears... i've been either crying... or holding back tears since Sunday... not really eating... can't sleep without the assistance of NyQuil... and just haven't felt like myself...

My dad saw my mother walk up and give me a hug while doing the dishes... "what's wrong?" he asked... "she's upset about Ma' Taylor..." she said... "don't worry it baby... Grandma will be here for a long time..." "No daddy... she won't..."

i understand that my father was just trying to comfort me... but at this age... i have to learn to live in reality... i'm an only child... and a daddy's girl... so it was naturally that my father would try to spare my feelings... even if it meant lying...

my grandmother is 89 years old... she's not my biological grandmother... but she's always treated me like family... and really... she never told me she wasn't my real grandmother... my dad did...

right now i'm sad... and angry... she'll never see me get married... never see me have kids... never... see me do all the things that my other cousins have done... and that really makes me upset... i know it's selfish... but it's how i feel... i know i should look at it and say... she's lived a long life... and she'll be looking down on me and my kids in heaven... but right now... that doesn't make me feel any better... i want her be here physically now...

then there's the waiting game... it's hard to deal with the death of a loved one when they haven't died... she's in pain... and she's tired... and i just want her to rest... and die peacefully... but she's still holding on... and i'm not sure why... it hurts to go see her... and that's a big part of the reason it took me two weeks to drive 5 miles from my house... to hers... cause it's just hurts to much... i know... it sounds bad... but it is what it is...

i'm just trying to enjoy her... what's left of her... cause most of the time she just opens her eyes for a few seconds... and then goes back to sleep... but i still have her here with me... and while she's here... i'll enjoy her... it sucks missing someone when their sitting right next to you...

death... bitter sweet... ah f@ck it... death sucks... ok... bye...

Nola*

A Versatile Blogger Award for Things to do today

so... i received my first blog award from M.Z. which is pretty cool... that someone thinks what 1 write is award worthy... and most of the time i think i just go on rants... but hey... thanks none the less! her blog is pretty awesome... and well put together... and if i wasn't following her before... i sure am now!

so with this award i have to write 7 random facts about me... and give awards to 15 other blogger... (makes me rethink liking this award... kinda sucks that i have to do work... but whatevs...)

so here we go...

1. i watch flavor of love season 3 everyday of the work week. (i have no idea why i do this... but it makes my day go by faster...)
2. i love root beer... and would drink it everyday if it was healthy...
3. i love playing in my boyfriends hair...
4. i'm almost positive most of the men that work in my office have a live boy and a dead girl in their closet... and there is nothing that you can say to convince me otherwise...
5. when people chew with their mouth open or smack/slurp food i feel like taking a gun and shooting them in the foot..
6. i like female strippers... and no... i'm not gay... gay friendly... but nope... don't fool with carpet... unless it's my own...
7. i love him... and this face...
and i'm way to lazy to write 15 bloggers i like... just check my blog role... k... bye...
Nola*

Surprise party... Strippers... Cupcakes... and ur Bitch ass boys...

So... I threw the boo a surprise party this weekend... had my girls came through... (because I know none of his female friends... and he says he doesn't really have any *side eye*) and a few of his boys... niggas were late... because... well... there niggas... but everything turned out great... He was really surprised... and confused... then was about to curse me out because I told him that I was in Miami and I was really in DC... So once he got over the fact that I lied to him... he was totally appreciative of the party...

So... I hang with a bunch of prissy chicks... (as am i...) so you know damn well we didn't bowl... but the fellas did... now i'm going to try to say this nicely... but all of Ny's friends except for one... are wack... i mean kriss kross inside out is wigity wack... one of them was like... aye... what's up with Siyani (bestie) I responded, "what do you mean what's up with her... nothing" he was like... i mean i wanted to holla... i told him not a chance...

later in the car while we were on our way to the strip club Ny asked why i was so harsh on his boy... i said... cause he's wack... and Yani wasn't going to give him the time of day... and she has a boyfriend who she adores... oh... and did i mention he's WACK!

any who... we're driving to the strip club and then all of a sudden Ny hits me with a text... "Baby... I don't think everyone wants to the strip club..." ok... cool... it was just an idea i though everyone would like... i mean it's titties... and nice titties at that... so Ny is like... i think everyone wants to go out... ok... mind you this is HIS birthday weekend... so i say... what do YOU want to do... then he was like... i mean... i'm just trying to make EVERYONE happy... i cut him off... FUCK EVERYONE ELSE... THIS IS YOUR BIRTHDAY WEEKEND... THAT IS SOME BITCH SHIT... DON'T BE A BITCH... BITCH'S WITH DICK'S ARE NOT SEXY IN 2010... AND I ONLY FUCKS WITH SEXY... *rant end*... needless to say we went to the strip club... it was chill... got him a table dance... he seemed to enjoy it when he wasn't wondering if i was getting jealous.... *rolls eyes* next time i'm taking one of my boys...

Nola*

3 things... (tellum how u feel tuesday)

(posted this one facebook...) Since I have a blog (holla at me for the url... lol) I rarely write notes on facebook anymore... but I've decided to post this one to the book as an ode to one of the favorite bloggers... Don... aka...Minus the bars... enjoyssssssssssssssssssssssssssss....

3 things that scare me:
1. not knowing what people i love really think about me...
2. loosing a loved one
3. clowns... (don't u dare judge me... those things aren't right...)

3 people that make me laugh
1. My dad (he gets funnier the older he gets...)
2. Deanna... she's so pretty (inside jk)
3. The boyfriend... He's funny... LOOKIN'! LOL!

3 things I love
1. SUSHI!
2. My gucci bag
3. A hot shower after a good workout...

3 people I love... it's more than 3... but whatevs
1. My parents... they're amazing... (and they're mine! get ur own! cause i'm not sharing... so don't be telling me that's like ur play mother/father... it's not... get over it... and get ur own... and yes... i am an only child... don't judge me...)
2. My close girlfriend/ guy friends (Yani, Tish, Nicole, Deanna, Jen, Robbie, Horace, and Danny there's more... just can't name u all! lol!)
3. The Boo thang... lol

3 things I hate
1. When I'm not acknowledge...
2. Cats... they're sneaky and they lick the butter...
3. Not having clarity in situations...

3 things I don't understand
1. Toll roads... they suck...
2. Why people watch BET... it's retarded... and bootleg as heck...
3. Starbucks... we're in America... why do i have to order stuff in a different language... i don't want a friggin tall! I want a small... jerks...

3 sayings that stay coming from my mouth
1. I want you to do what you want to do... don't do me any favors...
2. WHAT UP PLAYA!
3. What you want to eat?

3 things I am doing right now
1. Typing...
2. missing my friends... and boo thang...
3. Wondering who drank all of my Smarter Water... i sure was thirsty...

3 things I want to do before I die
1. Get married and have kids...
2. Eat Sushi in Japan
3. Eat a golden watermelon... (they have them only 2 weeks out of each year... they're pretty good so i hear...)

3 things I cannot do
1. Let someone put their hands on me...
2. Give an apology if I don't mean it...
3. Say I honestly like friend chicken... (i'm a baked kinda girl...)

3 things I think u should listen to
1. Someone who's been divorced...
2. Someone who's been HAPPILY married for over 20 years...
3. Someone on their death bed...

3 things I think u should never listen to
1.A dog that brings a bone...
2. A guy that wears a pinky ring... they're sleazy to me...
3. A woman who is single... that wants to give u advice on how to keep a man...

3 things I could watch all day
1. Law and Order SVU (i've done it before too!)
2. My godsons sleep
3. My boo thang smile... lol... it never gets old to me...

3 things that I could do all day
1. Hang with the girls!
2. Spoon with the boo thang... lol
3. Sit out at my pond...

“Love lasts when the relationship comes first.”

happy Tuesday to you all... (i always feel like i have to give an introduction to my blogs... but whatevs...) let's get to it...

so... i've been in a relationship for about 2 1/2 months... and one thing i've realized... it's def work... work that i love doing... not like a job... but more like a purpose or a calling in life... but none the less... it's work...

now mind you there are times where i find myself feeling that i don't want to do certain things (like sitting through 3 hrs of his basketball games... and 2 hrs of flag football games... not sleeping cause he wants to see me at 11:00 pm and i have to wake up at 4 am... etc... etc...) for the simple fact that i don't feel like it... but i have to... because i want to be in this relationship...

for example... i'm a part time photographer... i love, love, LOVE taking photos... yet... i hate sitting and editing them and giving my clients a finished product... if i don't do the editing... i can't intern be a photographer... well... can't call myself a good one... feel me...

i've never been great at relationships... but with each one i've gotten a little better (i hope i have at least...) now to get an honest answer you would have to ask Ny... but i would say i do pretty well with our relationship... at least that's what he and his friends tell me...

in many ways i'm still learning how to be HIS girlfriend... let me explain... i feel that you can never go into a relationship with a new person and expect to handle the relationship the same way you did with a previous partner (surprisingly... people always do this... those people include me...) it just won't work... they're two different people... just like with a job... if you use to be a security guard... and you land a job in IT... you can't think that shooting a customers computer screen is gonna fix their hard drive... just sayin... lol

now i'm not saying you have to change who you are as a person... but you do have to make a realistic decision on if you can do the work it take to be with that person... and make the things that are important to your boyfriend/girlfriend important to you...

it seems really easy to make Ny happy...because it's important to me... and he's pretty good at making me happy... but he drops the ball... a lot (not with cheating *i don't think at least* but with other little things... i.e. being on time... major one...) but he get's better and better at it everyday... and i'm willing to work with him and be patient with him... cause i guess that what love is...

i can't say right now that we're going to spend the rest of our lives together... but what i do know... is that i'm willing to put in the work... to see if we can...

Nola*

keepin' it 100...

so... i've been in a relationship for close to two months... there are days when it's amazing... and days... well.. days like how I feel today... Ny went out of town this weekend for a basketball tournament (he actually goes out of town often for these things...) initially i was invited to attend(at least that's what i thought I heard) ... but when i brought it up to him... he told me i was mistaken and that he hadn't invited me... i felt some type of way... but decided not to make a big deal of the issue... he left last Thursday... and is coming back today...

now... this weekend was cool... i hit up my friend Dale and had him ride with me to pick up something for Ny... it's always great hanging with him... he an old flame... and him and we have managed to remain good friends... he's supportive of my relationship, just as i am of his...

i then hung out with Yani... we went to a day party... which was a good look... (i'll go into this day party a little more...) i got there before Yani... valeted... (i'm a suburban girl... i don't look for parking... lol) and walked in... i saw one of my former classmates named Jermaine... and i came to find out that it was his party... he gave me a big hug... told me he had some friends he wanted me to meet, and lead me to their table... i was introduced to Jeff and Jay of the Philadelphia Eagles... both stood about 5'9... amazing bodies... Jeff was a little more laid back the Jay... but both were really cool... i introduced myself and gave them a kiss on the cheek... as i usual do when introduced to a young man in the club... they offered me a drink... i kindly declined... and told them that i don't really drink vodka... which they responded by trying to pressure me into having a shot... we sat for a while and chatted... there were a lot of groupies there... and i was NOT trying to be associate with them... so i was little more reserved than usual... but by the end of the party... both Jeff and Jay ended up asking me for my number...

i digress... Ny and i barely spoke this weekend... phone calls were not returned... and texts messages got answered hrs later... if at all... i really felt as though something was going on with him... that shouldn't have been... i felt he was cheating... for more reasons than one... so i was stuck with the decisions... to either let my gut get the best of me... and do "me" like i felt he was doing... or... i could trust my man... and my relationship... and remain faithful...

i made the decision to remain faithful... it wasn't a tough one either... because it's not in my heart to do that to the man i'm in love with...

i'm a firm believer in the statement "you're going to do what's really in your heart"... and i've told Ny countless times... i want you to do what you want to do... if you want to go out here and cheat... and be dishonest with me... do it... because if that's what's in your heart then that's what you're going to do... don't be faithful to me... or for that matter be in a relationship with me and say you're doing it because i want you to... i want you to be with me because YOU want to... don't do me any favors...

at the end of the day i want to be with someone who wants to make me happy... and there are times where Ny does make me happy... but the past few days... i've found myself feeling sad... very sad... like... i want to curl up in a bawl... and listen to Adele... sad...

i mean... that wants to alwasys make me smile... cause that's how i am when i love someone... whatever it takes to make him happy (as long as it doesn't compromise who i am...) i'll do it... i'll go to all of his games... no matter how tired i am... or what i have going on that day... i'll be there... i'll try to do little special things for him every now and then... just to remind him that i love him... and that i care... and most of all i do the things that are important to him... the stuff that matters to him... cause on the real... all that extra shit doesn't matter unless i do the things that are important to him... and really... the past few days... he hasn't done the things that are important to me... which makes me feel as though i'm not so important to him... and that's ok... but i can't be in a relationship with someone who i'm not important to...

i'm really trying not to jump to conclusion about this... because there's a lot more to it... he didn't have great reception... and he was playing in a tournament (i really sound like i'm making excuses for him... and i am...) but eventually the truth will come out...

it just sucks today... feeling like this... makes me miss being single... i didn't care about stuff like this back then... sometimes i wish i didn't love so hard... and so much...

Nola*

my tears dry on there own...

*side bar* Ny and I are official... any i couldn't be happier... *end side bar*

so... my life has always been know to throw me a few curve balls... had a falling out with a good guy friend... and i'm not sure why he's so upset... it's so much more to the situation than he's willing to tell me... but sadly... i think i may have lost a great friend... but no matter what... i'll always be his... even if he can no longer be mine...

i've always seen friendship as a revolving door... (well... in my case it is...) you can walk out... but never think that you can't walk back in... if u were my friend once... you will forever be my friend... i have a big heart... and it gets exercised a lot... with disappointment... betrayal... and loneliness... but u know what... everyday it gets stronger... feel me?

now to the relationship...

he's wonderful... i'm happy... and yet... i'm scared shitless...

not really sure if he really wants to be here... with me... and it's nothing that he's doing... it's just something in my head telling me that... i guess sometimes i don't see myself as enough... or good enough... (yes... i'm insecure... surprise...)

i just wish that i could see myself how everyone else sees me... how God sees me... cause some days when i look in the mirror i just see everything wrong with me... (gosh this blog is depressing... i'm sooo tempted to eat a bowl of frosted flakes... i shall resist... peppermint tea on deck... lol)

but hey... we all get down on ourselves sometimes... we just have to make sure we don't stay there...

cause no matter what... i will always... get up... survive... and go back to bed... ta taaaa!

Nola*

ps... sorry i was all over that place... but as u guys know... that's me... lol

*sigh* don't even know a title for this one...

"God I don't know where to begin... I'm so lost... I can't even pretend... like the [guy] that i see right in front of me don't have control... [he's] like a friend to my heart... key to my future... lover of soul..."


so... i've been dating this guy... about 3 months...

i've met his family... he's met mine... i've met his friends... well... i already know most of them... and he's been introduced to mine... we see each other at least once a week... talk at least once a day... sounds like a relationship doesn't it... but it's not...

i've been investing time... money... and most importantly my heart into this guy... and he's worth it... but at some point something is gonna have to be defined for what it is... either we're together... or we're not...

let me put it like this...

i myself am a company... i have hired people to work for me... and the people that work for me are always taken care of... the get all the benefits of being apart of my life... love... support... whatever... you can ask anyone who's close to me... i always... ALWAYS take care of those close to me... as they do me...

now i'm looking to fill this one position in my company... and recently i came across an applicant that seemed to fit the bill of the "boyfriend" position... so... in order to convince this person they should take the job... i've been letting this person see the benefits of the "boyfriend" without actually signing a contract... and in the meantime... i've been telling all the other people that are attempting to put in for this position that even though the position hasn't been filled yet... i have a potential person for the job... but i'll get back with them if this person doesn't decide to join my company...

now it's been almost 90 days... and a contract hasn't been signed... so i have to be fair... to myself... and to the other applicants... and give other people a chance to fill this position if he wont...

and i don't think i'm wrong for that at all...

i want to be with someone who wants to be with me... and if that's not you... then cool... no hard feeling... i still think your a wonderful person... but i gotta go... and continue on the search to find my fit... the one for me...

i just don't think it's fair to string someone along... and i'm starting to feel like that... i just need clarity one way or the other... i'm trying to fight for this... but i need to know that we're fighting for the same things... and that we want the same things from each other... and at this point... if you don't know what you want from this situation then i can't deal with you anymore... *wipes tears*

i love you... but i love me more...

Tiffany*

down the Hall... to the left... there's love...

before i get started i want to wish a very special happy birthday to my bestie!!!! she turned 27 today... and she got an early b day present... Kendrick... her first born son... he's so wonderful... just like her... congrats mama Yani! now... let's get to it...

i was gonna blog about what i've been doing the past few weekends... but i'll save that for another post...

i went to Ny's (well inside) house for the first time on Sunday... it's a very cozy home... and after sitting there quietly for a while... i can tell that it's a house that has been filled with love... great conversations... lessons learned... tears that have been shed and wiped away with comfort, support, and the reassurance that everything will be ok... and tough love... i sensed a lot of that... lol...

now... out of all of the things that i noticed in his house... the one thing... well... the one person actually that stood out the most was his grandmother... I walked down a short hall to meet her... but what that hall lacked in depth it made up for in memories...

it was filled of pictures of a very strong and tight nit family that has been built over many years... the last picture that i noticed was a beautiful young woman... she looked like a porcelain doll... she wasn't smiling... but at the same time she didn't look sad... her picture emanated a type of confidence that high fashion models dream of having... the type of confidence that you could tell that she was born with... i would come to realize that woman was Ny's grandmother who they affectionately called... "Na Na"

"Na Na" is a smalled framed woman... who can stand with the help of a walker... and hear with the assistance of a hearing aid... she's has a very fragile frame and a beautiful smile... yet the same confidence that i saw in that picture taken of her so many years ago... still radiated from the woman that stood before me...

she stood up to greet me... extended her hand... and asked me if i'm taking care of her grandson... and i assured her that i was... and in those few short moments i had been introduced to the foundation of the Hall family...

after leaving Ny's house "Na Na" came to my mind...

it's hard to say goodbye to people that have watched us grow over the years... people that have guided us on the right path... and are a major part of the reason that we are so successful... we think that they'll be with us forever... until that day comes when we realize their time is limited on this earth... and we will only have memories of them to hold onto... and i know this is what Ny is going through now... and actually this is what i'm dealing with as well...

as a child i remember my grandmother (well she's my grandmother by marriage... but she's always treated me like blood...) always in the kitchen... as a matter of fact my fondest memory is of this checkerboard chocolate and vanilla cake... it was amazing... i still can figure out how she made it look like a checkerboard... but she did... she always put care, love, and creativity into her cooking... and instilled that into her children... and grandchildren... and great grandchildren...

now the women that made that amazing checkerboard cake can hardly walk... she has to have help to do practically everything... but... she still has her wit about her... and is still able to bring creativity out of everyone and everything around her...

a while ago i went to visit her... and expressed to her how thankful i am that i had the opportunity to have a grandmother like her... who always treated me like i was her own... who allowed me to let me know how it felt to be loved by a grandma (gotta give flowers while you can still smell them...) ... cause it's different than parents... or siblings love... it's the type of love that's always kind... and helps you to realize what real love truly is... you know the kind of love that the Bible describes... and i'm just glad that i am loved like that...

Nola*

sometimes i can be my own worst enemy...

all my life... i've told by my parents how pretty... or wonderful... or loving... or giving... or talented... or how i made them so proud... and i actually believed them... i would walk around with my head held high... and shoulders back... thinking that i was God's gift to man... that i was special... and unique...

but with time... age... loves lost... and friends that weren't really friends... i found myself not feeling as marvelous as my parents told me i was... i developed insecurities... (which i still deal with to some extent to this day) i became guarded... to the point i would refuse to make new friends... and i became cold... and made it very difficult for any man to love me...

i was my own worst enemy...

but now... i'm at a point where i'm willing to take chances... and not being caught up in the nostalgia of how i once felt... because that's life... things chance... and you have to as well...

i have started to give the best of myself to every situation... so if and when there comes a time i have to walk away from it... i can know that i did all that i could to make it work... friends... loves... whatever...

and that's the difference between walking through life... and living it...

Nola*

foolishness... good times... and great friends...

before i get started i just want to say that i think my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world... not just because she's my mom... but because she really is... she's loving, kind, honest, a lush (a very funny lush... she came in the house drunk last night saying, "I am a momma bear... and no one fucks with my cub..." lol... gotta love it...) and a great mom....

let's get to it...

yesterday i called Siyani up and asked what she was doing... (Yani is 9 months sperminated...) so i told her that i would come scoop her and we'd go out... it was a nice day... and i knew she didn't want to be in the house...

i ride to her crib... (of course she wasn't ready) so i go in... and see her trying to put on her gucci sneakers... lol... her feet are pretty swollen at this point... but she managed to get them on with a little help... once she gets her pennies (inside jk) in her shoes we then ride out... we head down to the water front and eat at some Mexican spot... the food took to long and wasn't that good... but we made it work... we then go to Buzz Bakery... (i'm actually here writing this blog as we speak... lol... love this place...) grab some cupcakes... and then head home...

and after i dropped her off... i realized that this might be the last day i spend with her... as just Yani... next time we go out... she'll be Yani... the mommie...

Yani and I have been friends for 11+ years... and we literally have nothing in common... truth be told... i'm not sure how we have become such good friends... we are from different sides of the track... we like different things... we go to different places... and we date different types of guys...

at times i get jealous of her other friends... because she can relate to them better than myself... she has a best friend who is a mom... which she soon will be... a best friend who likes to do the same things that she does... which i don't... a best friend... well... that's more like her... than i am...

but at the end of the day Yani has always assured me that our relationship is unique... and has great value... and i believe her... when i'm with her... i laugh... i cry... i smile... i... just can be me... at that's all that matters... there's a saying by Dr. Seuss... "be who you are... and say how you feel... because the people that mind don't matter... and the people that matter don't mind..." and that's why she matters so much to me... and i to her...

at the same time i have a girlfriend who is a great reflection of me... we eat the same foods... shop at the same places... and go out to the same spots...

Nicole has been a great blessing in my life... and even though she's across the country she's very close to my heart... we always hang when she's in town (she'll be back soon... i need to get my kidneys ready... it get's ignorant when she's here...)... what's even better is that she's introduced me to another lady that i've gotten very close with...

Deanna... how can i describe her... pretty... lovable... smart... and ditsy... lol... she's so pretty... she's fun loving... she'll get you shitfaced drunk... and take care of you by cooking you noodles and making sure you drink water... lol... but every time we hang, i get closer to her...

looks like it wont be to hard for me to get those bridesmaids together for my wedding (if i EVER get married...) after all...

at the end of the day... if feel like our friends are a reflection of what's really in our hearts... and maybe even what we strive to be... and if that's the case... i must want to be a pretty amazing person...

love you guys...

Nola*

ok... let's make this simple...

cause i'm starting to get very... very... very... uncomfortable...

here's the stuff that makes me happy...

• phone calls...
• returning my calls...
• texting me...
• returning my texts...
• wanting to see me... (which you do...)
• doing stuff just because... (you're really good at that... seeing me in the middle of the week really makes me feel special... and those flowers were wonderful)
• spending time with me... once a week... if more that's cool... but i can good with once a week... and when i say once a week... it doesn't have to be a lot of time... even if it's 20 minutes after your game... just sitting in the car talking... just being around you makes me happy... doesn't matter when... or where... or how long... (you're really great at this too...)

here's the stuff that makes me sad...

• not hearing from you...
• not returning my texts... and you told me that you got it... (yeah... that makes me feel really un-important...)

and that's it... now to me... it doesn't seem like a lot... but who knows... i'm just trying to give you a better understanding of what makes me tick... cause you're a great guy... and i'm a great girl... and i just want to be great... together... ok... bye... ;-)

Nola*

*sigh* ugh...

tellum how you feel tuesday....

i know... it's wednsday... i meant to post this last night... but Nyquil took over... that stuff is amazing...

let's get to it... cause i need to vent...

• there are days where i miss my x (Drew) not the relationship... but just my friend... we talked everyday for 6 years... and now... well... we might only talk once or twice a month... there are days where i just want my friend back... but i understand that things can't and won't go back to being the same...
• i don't have ugly friends... i know... sounds mean... but i don't... all of my friends are dimes or better... and they also have to have great personalities... don't judge me...
• i prayed that i would win the lottery... just so i can drive to bethesda and slap the shit out of this fire crotch bitch... that tried to get me fired... but she's actually about to get walked out the door... so i got the last laugh...
• i need to get laid this weekend... i'm talking about a serious thrashin' ... and i plan on doin so... bow chika bow bow...
• the women that work in my building suck... accept for like 3...
• i falling in love with someone... and i'm now totally confused about how i feel because another factor has now been added to the mix... i just need clarity... now... right the fuck now...
• i also have a bad gut feeling about the person i'm falling for... my gut has been wrong before... but i just don't know... sucks... major...

that's all for now...

Nola*

stop being happy and get in here and be miserable!

have you ever ran into someone that is just tooooooo freaking happy????

i mean... like ball of sunshine... Disney special... everything is great with the world type happy...

almost to the point that it annoys you... well... i ran into a guy like that a little while ago...

i digress...

went to spin class the other day... i was late... so i didn't get the bike that i wanted to... and most of the bikes

were taken... but luckily the instructor gave me hers... and put me right in front of the big ol' bundle of happy

named Jerry...

Jerry is about 5'5... pretty smile... even though he has braces... and just full of life... clapping his hands to the

music... constantly encourage those around him... even though he didn't know them... and just being...

happy... toooo freakin happy...

now at first i was pretty annoyed... cause i was having a bad day and didn't understand why the

hell he was so

happy that he wasn't being miserable like myself...

then i thought... he probably had a bad day... but he is choosing to be happy... so instead of taking my happy

antibiotics... i decided to let him cough a bunch of happy on me... and caught his happy bug...

and it feels pretty good...

Nola*

The "Fool Hardy Love"

after reading this blog by J Skittles... it made me write this...

have you every loved someone so much that you would hold their hand through whatever???

i'm not talking about nigga cheated on me... or he's doesn't always act right... i'm talking about he's paralyzed from the neck down... or he's struggling with his sexuality... that type of love...

well... i've loved like this... one time... and one time only... i digress...

met this guy about a year ago... Mo... and fell hard... i'm talkin bout... can't eat... can't sleep... found my soul mate... cuttin off any other niggas type hard... i really though i had found "the one"

but a few months later... i come to find that he wasn't the one... Mo was struggling with his sexuality... (yeah... it sucked ass...) but because i loved him so much... and was in love with him... i was willing to stand by him and help him through this situation... but in the end... he left... (as a matter of fact... he broke up with me on vacation...)

this was my first and only time being in love...

now the present...

as of right now i'm ready to love again... i'm just very careful who i choose to give my love to... it's very easy for me to walk away from a situation if i see that it's not working... matter of fact... i date niggas in two week increments... every two weeks you're up for review... and if you're not putting up good points... you're getting cut... i don't really stand for much bullshit... if any...

just the other day... i had to break it down to Ny... look... at some point i have to be comfortable with dating you... and right now i'm not... now... i don't feel like i'm asking for anything crazy... i just need to know that we eventually want the same things out of each other... we don't have to be on the same page... but we do need to be reading from the same book... feel me? i've put him on notice... the next few weeks will tell... but if i had to make a decisions right now... i'd probably role... but we we'll see... i don't have anything to loose by letting the situation play out... and he is a pretty amazing guy...

that "Fool Hardy Love" was the best and the worst thing i've every been through... it taught me how to love... that unselfish... pure love... and i'm glad that i had the opportunity to love like that...

Nola*

random fact about me... i blog naked... ok bye... lol

sometimes we create the very people that we don't want to be with...

relationships can be tough... super tough... i mean... tough like outback steakhouse steak tough (i hate their steaks btw... their drinks are pretty delectable though...)

but i think the only reason they can be so complicated is because we make them that way... instead of learning to love the person we're with for who they are at the present time, we want them to be the idea of what we think they should be...

so... here are a few of the things that i've learned from the men that i've dealt with... and i'm currently dealing with...

• you can't make anyone feel how you want them to feel about you... if they love you... they will... if they don't... then they won't...
• feelings between two people do not develop at the same pace... (at least that's how i see it) one person will sometimes give a little more than the other... as long as both parties understand they are working toward a certain goal, and both parties feel that the situation is healthy... i think the relationship will grow...
• sex doesn't do shit but complicate the situation more... (ladies... get a dildo... it will keep you from making bad dick decisions...)
• guys... the stupid shit matters... i.e. calling just to say hi... texts messages in the morning... playing in our hair... or cards are quick ways to keep us from acting crazy....
• ladies... do not expect men to just figure out what you like... i.e. if he's not calling you enough... tell him... if you like flowers... tell him... if you want to see him... TELL HIM!!!! guys cannot read your mind... they're visual and verbal creatures... not emotional like us...
• just because a person doesn't love you the way you want them to love you... doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have... i.e. if i asked him for $20 and he only has $5 and he give me that $5 i should appreciate that he is giving me all that he has... feel me?

in closing... the only difference between ordinary and extraordinary is the "extra"...

Nola*

OMG... Mother Nature Needs a Swift Ass whoopin...

snow... everywhere... i mean... i am so over this biggity bullshit... i swear... this snow makes me think that winter will never freakin end...

i've been eating everything in site... thank God that i still have a good metabolism... or my ass would be back to 190... yeah... i was 190... still holding at 165... lol

Ny came to see me... in all this mess... makes me like him more... ok jeez... i'm falling in love with him... there i said it... just when i was happy being single... here he comes... and makes me want to be in a relationship... but timing is everything... so i've kinda been avoiding the whole... relationship conversation... but i guess i'll break down in the next few weeks... movin on...

i've realized a lot in this whole being snowed in thing...

• my parents are amazing... and totally in love... i want to love someone like that...
• my dog is also amazing... and has a lot of personality... more than most people...
• i love making art...
• i love being alone... and just having me time... i'm pretty cool once i get to know me... lol
• everything taste good when you're bored...

welll ta ta for now...

Nola*

so i'll make this simple... (Dear Ny)

you have a tendency to ask me "what are you thinking about?" and i almost always give you a half answer... so today... i've decided to step outside my normal guarded self... and take a serious risk... one that i haven't taken in a long time... tell you everything... so here goes...

• i can see myself falling for you... and i didn't pack a shoot... i wish i did... but if you're not expecting to fall... you don't carry around a parachute on your back...
• i just want to be someone who makes you happy...
• i miss you when you're away...
• i can't wait til i see you again...

i've known you a month... and i would have never expected to feel this way about someone so soon... i'm usually the one who is always so "by the book" so sure of herself... i'm the person who everyone talks about having... but no one can get... but with you... for some reason... all of the has changed...

i've known guys for over a year and they've never seen the inside of my house... and def haven't seen the inside of my room... and have never meet my parents... but you have...

but the main thing that consumes my thoughts... is this question...

is this ok? is it ok to like you? is it ok to want more with you? is it ok to miss you? is it ok to want to see you? is it ok?

so... there you have it... now you know what i'm thinking... and how i feel... i just hope... that maybe... just maybe... there's a part of you that feels the same...

*sigh* I WILL NOT LIKE HIM!!!!

*side bar* for some reason i'm watching "The Bucket List" in Spanish... me no speaka dat...

i've really been doing good when it comes to dating... and trying to make sure i stay single for now... but new years day... i think i may have actually met THE ONE... i digress...

kicking it at lucky strikes with a few friends... i see a couple of classmates from VSU and this guy (i didn't know him...)... i was still bowling at the time... so i waited for after my go to walk over and say hi to them... i went over to the bar section and look for my fellow alumnus... i didn't see them... but i saw a young man that was with them... so i walked over to him and asked if he knew my two classmates that i saw earlier... he said yes... and that they had went to the restroom... so i then introduced myself to him... and told him that i went to college with the two... by this time my classmates came out of the potty... lol

spoke to my classmates... caught up on old times... but then... my attention kinda drifted back to the guy i just met... let's call him "Lucky" cause i met him at Lucky Strikes... lol... i asked for the credentials on him from my college buddy... he gave me the thumbs up... and i then began to work my charm... lol...

we talked for a few... and exchanged numbers... i told him i would call... and he said he would look forward to it...

so i go back over to my other friends to finish up bowling... but was beginning to get sober... so i head back to the bar for a Brewski... i'm sitting there about to order and Lucky comes up to the bar to talk to me again... now... most times i would find this annoying... but for some reason... i didn't mind it at all... we talked... i decided to sit at the bar... we talked some more... and next thing i knew... i had missed all of my turns for bowling... and had been sitting there with him for over a hr...

his conversation was intriguing... his looks were very... very easy on the eyes... and his way were charming... and he seems so genuine... he's looking for everything that i'm looking for out of a relationship... which i didn't think that i could find... but i asked God to send me someone with certain things about them... and i think this might be him... time will tell (yeah i know... it's only been a few days... but it's kinda funny that he's exactly down to the socks what i'm looking for... lol) but we shall see... lol

Nola*