i know... it's been forevs'

hey fam... i know i haven't blogged in ages...

i've kinda been cleaning out my closet... and my head... and most of all my heart...

i came to realize that a lot of the relationships that i've been entertaining in my life have been in vain...

i guess subliminally... it showed how insecure i've become... i sometimes paint a picture that i'm this confident person... but most times i'm really not...

i realized that i kinda was defining my beauty... but the amount of guys i had after me...

but see now (well... i kinda already knew...) they wanted me for one thing... and i though that was ok... but now... i realize it wasn't... it took someone special to show me my worth... (and no... it wasn't Texas... sadly...)

i do sincerely apologize for being so distant from you guys... but i just had to step back for a sec... and get Nola (not my real name... lol) together... but i'm back... and i'll fill you guys in later on tonight about what's been going on...

Love you guys...

Nola*

and he said... i'm a dude in a skirt...

*congrats to the steelers!!!!! ain't nothing wrong with a young black coach winning the super bowl!*

one of my homies called me a dude in a skirt... that statement originated from a looong dialog him and i had this saturday... i kinda disagreed... but after much debate... i conceded... and agreed... that at this time... i am... a dude... in a skirt...

the feelings that came when the convo was over kinda sucked major... i'm single... (i know i shouldn't allow people to make me feel bad for how i'm living my life... as long as i'm happy and healthy... but sometimes i do...) so i feel like a should act accordingly... the main reason is that when i do get in a relationship... i don't want to feel like i've missed out on something... because the next relationship i get into that man... is gonna be... my husband...

as all of you know i have a mini smorgasbord of guys... some of them have caught feelings for me ... some are just j.o's... and some... i know we'll be life long friends...

but i kinda feel like i'm filling some type of void or trying to find some type of shallow validation within myself...

i don't feel empty... i don't feel insecure (well... not most of the time)... i just like having a few different dudes on my team... being that i'm single and all...

i just hope that the one that matters to me the most doesn't just see me as a dude in a skirt... but he sees the good in me too... the part that loves and adores him (i love u Texas...) ... and if he doesn't... then that kinda sucks... cause right now... i'm not changing... for nobody... now if someone wants to take this ride with me... come on... and buckle up... cause the ride is bumpy... and the AC isn't working... and i might need you to change the oil a few times on the way... but i promise you... whoever takes that ride with me... when we get to that destination... the reward will make that ride look like a walk in the park...

i just know... that one day... "the right person will still think the sun shines out my ass..." -juno

Nola*