i walked in the house in tears... i've been either crying... or holding back tears since Sunday... not really eating... can't sleep without the assistance of NyQuil... and just haven't felt like myself...
My dad saw my mother walk up and give me a hug while doing the dishes... "what's wrong?" he asked... "she's upset about Ma' Taylor..." she said... "don't worry it baby... Grandma will be here for a long time..." "No daddy... she won't..."
i understand that my father was just trying to comfort me... but at this age... i have to learn to live in reality... i'm an only child... and a daddy's girl... so it was naturally that my father would try to spare my feelings... even if it meant lying...
my grandmother is 89 years old... she's not my biological grandmother... but she's always treated me like family... and really... she never told me she wasn't my real grandmother... my dad did...
right now i'm sad... and angry... she'll never see me get married... never see me have kids... never... see me do all the things that my other cousins have done... and that really makes me upset... i know it's selfish... but it's how i feel... i know i should look at it and say... she's lived a long life... and she'll be looking down on me and my kids in heaven... but right now... that doesn't make me feel any better... i want her be here physically now...
then there's the waiting game... it's hard to deal with the death of a loved one when they haven't died... she's in pain... and she's tired... and i just want her to rest... and die peacefully... but she's still holding on... and i'm not sure why... it hurts to go see her... and that's a big part of the reason it took me two weeks to drive 5 miles from my house... to hers... cause it's just hurts to much... i know... it sounds bad... but it is what it is...
i'm just trying to enjoy her... what's left of her... cause most of the time she just opens her eyes for a few seconds... and then goes back to sleep... but i still have her here with me... and while she's here... i'll enjoy her... it sucks missing someone when their sitting right next to you...
death... bitter sweet... ah f@ck it... death sucks... ok... bye...
Nola*
2 comments:
aww I'm sorry you are going through that:-( I can relate...
Keep your head up and know she knows you're there. She'll see all those things you just mentioned. Just in heaven.
Hey Nola,
Yep. I too know the feeling for my dad's mother (my absolute favorite person in the world) underwent the exact same.
There are no words to comfort you, so I will only ask that you continue to enjoy her as much as you can. And, no, I don't believe you are being selfish at all.
How can profound love be selfish?
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