Dear Bullies... Fuck you...

so... i was watching 20/20 this episode of 20/20 the other night... and it really brought back a lot of memories of my middle school days at Mt. Calvary Middle School... where i was bullied by a group of girls... the ring leader being a girl named Tanisha Reid... to this day i have a great deal of hatred towards her... which a lot of it i have had to let go for me in order to move forward in my own life... but watching shit like this just brings me back...

back to when i was afraid to go to school... back to my lunch being stolen on a regular basis... back to being slapped in the face... back to being taunted because i was under developed (btw... most of those girls i went to middle school with are morbidly obese now... just sayin *flips hair and smiles*)... back to when i felt i was absolutely miserable... and constantly had to deal with anxiety and fear...

i was entirely to scared to tell my parents... mainly because they adore me... and if they ever thought i was going through what i was they would have ran up in Mt. Calvary and whooped ever teachers and bullues behind in there and didn't want them being put in jail... i tried to tell staff but they would give a slap on the hand to the kids i was being bullied by... and they would go right back to it... i suffered through this for two years of my life...

i'm just wondering how many children have to take their lives before this bulling will stop... when will these cowards be prosecuted and these schools be held responsible for the well being of the children that attend these school that allow bulling to go on there...

this scares and saddens me... because one day... i want to have children... and if my child would be "bullied to death" or assaulted by a bully... it's gonna be a lot more than words...

Nola*

and on the count of 3... every body run back to your fantasy...

i'm in a relationship... i love him... he loves me... this is where i'm suppose to be...

i wish is was that simple...

some days (not often...) if feels like it's forced... i have a lot of resentment towards him because of shady actions during our dating days... and a few things that have occurred during our relationship (i know... i have to let it go...) ... but we're moving forwards... but some days i just want to give up... and go back to my "fantasy..."

i miss Terrell... he called me on thursday while i was getting a pedicure... "he Tiff babe!!!! i was just checking on you! u didn't return my text... how are you?!" to which i replied... "hey Rell! i'm sorry darling been busy" (i hadn't been busy) "i'm well, how are you?" we had small talk about what had been going on in each others lives... Terrell is graduating from grad school in december... i told him how proud i was of him (he's been in grad school for like 3 years... basically since i've known him...) and let him know that i'm taking him out to dinner to celebrate... then out of the blue... he let me know how much he's always appreciated me... and he's glad that i'm in his life...

i think out of all of the men i've dated... i loved Terrell the most... without judgement... without question... even if he loved me or not... i loved him with everything i had... i loved him as much as he would let me love him... and truth be told... if he would have asked me to wait for him... i would have obliged... but he loved me enough to let me know that a future between him and i would never be certain... and that i should find someone that could give me what i wanted... because he wasn't able to... and he didn't know if he ever would be able to...

you know... i think when you move on from someone... but you still have hopes for what could be... you leave a piece of your heart with them... just so you have something to stand on if you ever come back... and on the real... i have left a small portion of my heart with Rell...

my heart aches when i talk to him... and when i see him i fight back tears... when he hugs me i pull back after a few moments even when he refuses to let go... i don't return text messages right away... and i won't answer his phone calls... i respectfully avoid him...

cause at the end of the day... what could be between Rell and i, is merely a fantasy... and with Ny... what i have is real...

we always want... what we can't have... sheesh...

ugh... this feeling shit is for the birds... i'm outtie...

Nola*