3 things... (tellum how u feel tuesday)

(posted this one facebook...) Since I have a blog (holla at me for the url... lol) I rarely write notes on facebook anymore... but I've decided to post this one to the book as an ode to one of the favorite bloggers... Don... aka...Minus the bars... enjoyssssssssssssssssssssssssssss....

3 things that scare me:
1. not knowing what people i love really think about me...
2. loosing a loved one
3. clowns... (don't u dare judge me... those things aren't right...)

3 people that make me laugh
1. My dad (he gets funnier the older he gets...)
2. Deanna... she's so pretty (inside jk)
3. The boyfriend... He's funny... LOOKIN'! LOL!

3 things I love
1. SUSHI!
2. My gucci bag
3. A hot shower after a good workout...

3 people I love... it's more than 3... but whatevs
1. My parents... they're amazing... (and they're mine! get ur own! cause i'm not sharing... so don't be telling me that's like ur play mother/father... it's not... get over it... and get ur own... and yes... i am an only child... don't judge me...)
2. My close girlfriend/ guy friends (Yani, Tish, Nicole, Deanna, Jen, Robbie, Horace, and Danny there's more... just can't name u all! lol!)
3. The Boo thang... lol

3 things I hate
1. When I'm not acknowledge...
2. Cats... they're sneaky and they lick the butter...
3. Not having clarity in situations...

3 things I don't understand
1. Toll roads... they suck...
2. Why people watch BET... it's retarded... and bootleg as heck...
3. Starbucks... we're in America... why do i have to order stuff in a different language... i don't want a friggin tall! I want a small... jerks...

3 sayings that stay coming from my mouth
1. I want you to do what you want to do... don't do me any favors...
2. WHAT UP PLAYA!
3. What you want to eat?

3 things I am doing right now
1. Typing...
2. missing my friends... and boo thang...
3. Wondering who drank all of my Smarter Water... i sure was thirsty...

3 things I want to do before I die
1. Get married and have kids...
2. Eat Sushi in Japan
3. Eat a golden watermelon... (they have them only 2 weeks out of each year... they're pretty good so i hear...)

3 things I cannot do
1. Let someone put their hands on me...
2. Give an apology if I don't mean it...
3. Say I honestly like friend chicken... (i'm a baked kinda girl...)

3 things I think u should listen to
1. Someone who's been divorced...
2. Someone who's been HAPPILY married for over 20 years...
3. Someone on their death bed...

3 things I think u should never listen to
1.A dog that brings a bone...
2. A guy that wears a pinky ring... they're sleazy to me...
3. A woman who is single... that wants to give u advice on how to keep a man...

3 things I could watch all day
1. Law and Order SVU (i've done it before too!)
2. My godsons sleep
3. My boo thang smile... lol... it never gets old to me...

3 things that I could do all day
1. Hang with the girls!
2. Spoon with the boo thang... lol
3. Sit out at my pond...

“Love lasts when the relationship comes first.”

happy Tuesday to you all... (i always feel like i have to give an introduction to my blogs... but whatevs...) let's get to it...

so... i've been in a relationship for about 2 1/2 months... and one thing i've realized... it's def work... work that i love doing... not like a job... but more like a purpose or a calling in life... but none the less... it's work...

now mind you there are times where i find myself feeling that i don't want to do certain things (like sitting through 3 hrs of his basketball games... and 2 hrs of flag football games... not sleeping cause he wants to see me at 11:00 pm and i have to wake up at 4 am... etc... etc...) for the simple fact that i don't feel like it... but i have to... because i want to be in this relationship...

for example... i'm a part time photographer... i love, love, LOVE taking photos... yet... i hate sitting and editing them and giving my clients a finished product... if i don't do the editing... i can't intern be a photographer... well... can't call myself a good one... feel me...

i've never been great at relationships... but with each one i've gotten a little better (i hope i have at least...) now to get an honest answer you would have to ask Ny... but i would say i do pretty well with our relationship... at least that's what he and his friends tell me...

in many ways i'm still learning how to be HIS girlfriend... let me explain... i feel that you can never go into a relationship with a new person and expect to handle the relationship the same way you did with a previous partner (surprisingly... people always do this... those people include me...) it just won't work... they're two different people... just like with a job... if you use to be a security guard... and you land a job in IT... you can't think that shooting a customers computer screen is gonna fix their hard drive... just sayin... lol

now i'm not saying you have to change who you are as a person... but you do have to make a realistic decision on if you can do the work it take to be with that person... and make the things that are important to your boyfriend/girlfriend important to you...

it seems really easy to make Ny happy...because it's important to me... and he's pretty good at making me happy... but he drops the ball... a lot (not with cheating *i don't think at least* but with other little things... i.e. being on time... major one...) but he get's better and better at it everyday... and i'm willing to work with him and be patient with him... cause i guess that what love is...

i can't say right now that we're going to spend the rest of our lives together... but what i do know... is that i'm willing to put in the work... to see if we can...

Nola*

keepin' it 100...

so... i've been in a relationship for close to two months... there are days when it's amazing... and days... well.. days like how I feel today... Ny went out of town this weekend for a basketball tournament (he actually goes out of town often for these things...) initially i was invited to attend(at least that's what i thought I heard) ... but when i brought it up to him... he told me i was mistaken and that he hadn't invited me... i felt some type of way... but decided not to make a big deal of the issue... he left last Thursday... and is coming back today...

now... this weekend was cool... i hit up my friend Dale and had him ride with me to pick up something for Ny... it's always great hanging with him... he an old flame... and him and we have managed to remain good friends... he's supportive of my relationship, just as i am of his...

i then hung out with Yani... we went to a day party... which was a good look... (i'll go into this day party a little more...) i got there before Yani... valeted... (i'm a suburban girl... i don't look for parking... lol) and walked in... i saw one of my former classmates named Jermaine... and i came to find out that it was his party... he gave me a big hug... told me he had some friends he wanted me to meet, and lead me to their table... i was introduced to Jeff and Jay of the Philadelphia Eagles... both stood about 5'9... amazing bodies... Jeff was a little more laid back the Jay... but both were really cool... i introduced myself and gave them a kiss on the cheek... as i usual do when introduced to a young man in the club... they offered me a drink... i kindly declined... and told them that i don't really drink vodka... which they responded by trying to pressure me into having a shot... we sat for a while and chatted... there were a lot of groupies there... and i was NOT trying to be associate with them... so i was little more reserved than usual... but by the end of the party... both Jeff and Jay ended up asking me for my number...

i digress... Ny and i barely spoke this weekend... phone calls were not returned... and texts messages got answered hrs later... if at all... i really felt as though something was going on with him... that shouldn't have been... i felt he was cheating... for more reasons than one... so i was stuck with the decisions... to either let my gut get the best of me... and do "me" like i felt he was doing... or... i could trust my man... and my relationship... and remain faithful...

i made the decision to remain faithful... it wasn't a tough one either... because it's not in my heart to do that to the man i'm in love with...

i'm a firm believer in the statement "you're going to do what's really in your heart"... and i've told Ny countless times... i want you to do what you want to do... if you want to go out here and cheat... and be dishonest with me... do it... because if that's what's in your heart then that's what you're going to do... don't be faithful to me... or for that matter be in a relationship with me and say you're doing it because i want you to... i want you to be with me because YOU want to... don't do me any favors...

at the end of the day i want to be with someone who wants to make me happy... and there are times where Ny does make me happy... but the past few days... i've found myself feeling sad... very sad... like... i want to curl up in a bawl... and listen to Adele... sad...

i mean... that wants to alwasys make me smile... cause that's how i am when i love someone... whatever it takes to make him happy (as long as it doesn't compromise who i am...) i'll do it... i'll go to all of his games... no matter how tired i am... or what i have going on that day... i'll be there... i'll try to do little special things for him every now and then... just to remind him that i love him... and that i care... and most of all i do the things that are important to him... the stuff that matters to him... cause on the real... all that extra shit doesn't matter unless i do the things that are important to him... and really... the past few days... he hasn't done the things that are important to me... which makes me feel as though i'm not so important to him... and that's ok... but i can't be in a relationship with someone who i'm not important to...

i'm really trying not to jump to conclusion about this... because there's a lot more to it... he didn't have great reception... and he was playing in a tournament (i really sound like i'm making excuses for him... and i am...) but eventually the truth will come out...

it just sucks today... feeling like this... makes me miss being single... i didn't care about stuff like this back then... sometimes i wish i didn't love so hard... and so much...

Nola*

my tears dry on there own...

*side bar* Ny and I are official... any i couldn't be happier... *end side bar*

so... my life has always been know to throw me a few curve balls... had a falling out with a good guy friend... and i'm not sure why he's so upset... it's so much more to the situation than he's willing to tell me... but sadly... i think i may have lost a great friend... but no matter what... i'll always be his... even if he can no longer be mine...

i've always seen friendship as a revolving door... (well... in my case it is...) you can walk out... but never think that you can't walk back in... if u were my friend once... you will forever be my friend... i have a big heart... and it gets exercised a lot... with disappointment... betrayal... and loneliness... but u know what... everyday it gets stronger... feel me?

now to the relationship...

he's wonderful... i'm happy... and yet... i'm scared shitless...

not really sure if he really wants to be here... with me... and it's nothing that he's doing... it's just something in my head telling me that... i guess sometimes i don't see myself as enough... or good enough... (yes... i'm insecure... surprise...)

i just wish that i could see myself how everyone else sees me... how God sees me... cause some days when i look in the mirror i just see everything wrong with me... (gosh this blog is depressing... i'm sooo tempted to eat a bowl of frosted flakes... i shall resist... peppermint tea on deck... lol)

but hey... we all get down on ourselves sometimes... we just have to make sure we don't stay there...

cause no matter what... i will always... get up... survive... and go back to bed... ta taaaa!

Nola*

ps... sorry i was all over that place... but as u guys know... that's me... lol

*sigh* don't even know a title for this one...

"God I don't know where to begin... I'm so lost... I can't even pretend... like the [guy] that i see right in front of me don't have control... [he's] like a friend to my heart... key to my future... lover of soul..."


so... i've been dating this guy... about 3 months...

i've met his family... he's met mine... i've met his friends... well... i already know most of them... and he's been introduced to mine... we see each other at least once a week... talk at least once a day... sounds like a relationship doesn't it... but it's not...

i've been investing time... money... and most importantly my heart into this guy... and he's worth it... but at some point something is gonna have to be defined for what it is... either we're together... or we're not...

let me put it like this...

i myself am a company... i have hired people to work for me... and the people that work for me are always taken care of... the get all the benefits of being apart of my life... love... support... whatever... you can ask anyone who's close to me... i always... ALWAYS take care of those close to me... as they do me...

now i'm looking to fill this one position in my company... and recently i came across an applicant that seemed to fit the bill of the "boyfriend" position... so... in order to convince this person they should take the job... i've been letting this person see the benefits of the "boyfriend" without actually signing a contract... and in the meantime... i've been telling all the other people that are attempting to put in for this position that even though the position hasn't been filled yet... i have a potential person for the job... but i'll get back with them if this person doesn't decide to join my company...

now it's been almost 90 days... and a contract hasn't been signed... so i have to be fair... to myself... and to the other applicants... and give other people a chance to fill this position if he wont...

and i don't think i'm wrong for that at all...

i want to be with someone who wants to be with me... and if that's not you... then cool... no hard feeling... i still think your a wonderful person... but i gotta go... and continue on the search to find my fit... the one for me...

i just don't think it's fair to string someone along... and i'm starting to feel like that... i just need clarity one way or the other... i'm trying to fight for this... but i need to know that we're fighting for the same things... and that we want the same things from each other... and at this point... if you don't know what you want from this situation then i can't deal with you anymore... *wipes tears*

i love you... but i love me more...

Tiffany*

down the Hall... to the left... there's love...

before i get started i want to wish a very special happy birthday to my bestie!!!! she turned 27 today... and she got an early b day present... Kendrick... her first born son... he's so wonderful... just like her... congrats mama Yani! now... let's get to it...

i was gonna blog about what i've been doing the past few weekends... but i'll save that for another post...

i went to Ny's (well inside) house for the first time on Sunday... it's a very cozy home... and after sitting there quietly for a while... i can tell that it's a house that has been filled with love... great conversations... lessons learned... tears that have been shed and wiped away with comfort, support, and the reassurance that everything will be ok... and tough love... i sensed a lot of that... lol...

now... out of all of the things that i noticed in his house... the one thing... well... the one person actually that stood out the most was his grandmother... I walked down a short hall to meet her... but what that hall lacked in depth it made up for in memories...

it was filled of pictures of a very strong and tight nit family that has been built over many years... the last picture that i noticed was a beautiful young woman... she looked like a porcelain doll... she wasn't smiling... but at the same time she didn't look sad... her picture emanated a type of confidence that high fashion models dream of having... the type of confidence that you could tell that she was born with... i would come to realize that woman was Ny's grandmother who they affectionately called... "Na Na"

"Na Na" is a smalled framed woman... who can stand with the help of a walker... and hear with the assistance of a hearing aid... she's has a very fragile frame and a beautiful smile... yet the same confidence that i saw in that picture taken of her so many years ago... still radiated from the woman that stood before me...

she stood up to greet me... extended her hand... and asked me if i'm taking care of her grandson... and i assured her that i was... and in those few short moments i had been introduced to the foundation of the Hall family...

after leaving Ny's house "Na Na" came to my mind...

it's hard to say goodbye to people that have watched us grow over the years... people that have guided us on the right path... and are a major part of the reason that we are so successful... we think that they'll be with us forever... until that day comes when we realize their time is limited on this earth... and we will only have memories of them to hold onto... and i know this is what Ny is going through now... and actually this is what i'm dealing with as well...

as a child i remember my grandmother (well she's my grandmother by marriage... but she's always treated me like blood...) always in the kitchen... as a matter of fact my fondest memory is of this checkerboard chocolate and vanilla cake... it was amazing... i still can figure out how she made it look like a checkerboard... but she did... she always put care, love, and creativity into her cooking... and instilled that into her children... and grandchildren... and great grandchildren...

now the women that made that amazing checkerboard cake can hardly walk... she has to have help to do practically everything... but... she still has her wit about her... and is still able to bring creativity out of everyone and everything around her...

a while ago i went to visit her... and expressed to her how thankful i am that i had the opportunity to have a grandmother like her... who always treated me like i was her own... who allowed me to let me know how it felt to be loved by a grandma (gotta give flowers while you can still smell them...) ... cause it's different than parents... or siblings love... it's the type of love that's always kind... and helps you to realize what real love truly is... you know the kind of love that the Bible describes... and i'm just glad that i am loved like that...

Nola*

sometimes i can be my own worst enemy...

all my life... i've told by my parents how pretty... or wonderful... or loving... or giving... or talented... or how i made them so proud... and i actually believed them... i would walk around with my head held high... and shoulders back... thinking that i was God's gift to man... that i was special... and unique...

but with time... age... loves lost... and friends that weren't really friends... i found myself not feeling as marvelous as my parents told me i was... i developed insecurities... (which i still deal with to some extent to this day) i became guarded... to the point i would refuse to make new friends... and i became cold... and made it very difficult for any man to love me...

i was my own worst enemy...

but now... i'm at a point where i'm willing to take chances... and not being caught up in the nostalgia of how i once felt... because that's life... things chance... and you have to as well...

i have started to give the best of myself to every situation... so if and when there comes a time i have to walk away from it... i can know that i did all that i could to make it work... friends... loves... whatever...

and that's the difference between walking through life... and living it...

Nola*