some days... i just wanna be single...

relationships are a lot of work... you find out something new about a person everyday... and sometimes you find those new things about that person straight out SUCK...

i love him... no question about that... i want to be with him... no question about that either... but loving him so much... and wanting to be with him so much sometimes causes me what i feel at the time is unnecessary pain... cause if i were single... and just dating him i wouldn't feel like this... he would be disposable... cause what he lacks... i would simply and unapologetically find someone else to pick up his slack...

but at this point that's not an option...

the things that hurt... i have to deal with... well at least until the point the pain becomes unhealthy for me... and then i'd have to deal with choosing myself over him... and walk away...

i know it sounds really bad but today is one of those days where the only reason i'm with him is because i love him... cause today... i just don't see that person i feel in love with...

Nola*

funerals, ghetto/country ghetto ass relatives, and hot ass churches...

so... my grandmother passed away... peacefully... to be honest it was the most beautiful transition into death i have ever seen... she simply drifted to sleep... it was around 9:30... and i just got home from the gym... i walked in and saw my dad with this strange look on his face... my mom came downstairs and said she was gone... i then walked downstairs to my room... laid on my bed and began to cry... then all of sudden... I felt this warm feeling from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet... like someone was laying gently on me... it lasted for about 30 seconds... and then went away... in my mind it was her... giving me a hug goodbye... i miss her...

now for the ignorant shit...

we get to the church... Upper Room Baptist Church... and there is NO AC in this church... as we walk in i hear some dude reading this sad ass bible verses... we sit down... it's hot ass hell... and the service starts... the choir (which consisted of 3... yes... 3 old people who couldn't sing...) started singing some sad ass song... that was off key... my cousin Tone got up... gave a beautiful speech about my grandmother... that was short sweet and to the point...

the next thing i know... this lame ass minister gets up and starts preaching about everything in the world other than my grandmother... he starts talking about how tatoo's mean you practice in witch craft... about how you gotta be in a wheelbarrow... and if you have a tattoo your going to hell... (i have three... but if i am going to hell... it won't be for a tattoo... God can come up with a bunch of other reason for me to go there... lol... just kidding... not really...)

*sidenote* my current boyfriend... and my x boyfriend both showed up at the funeral... my family seemed to get a good laugh out of that... smh...*

and of course the repass was hilarious... niggas kept coming up to me telling me how much i've grown... and how i look just like my mother... i didn't even know who they were... i left early... i was in a crappy mood... and i didn't feel like people hugging me tell me it was going to be ok...

i'm glad my Grandma is resting... she deserves it... love you ma'...

Nola*

Grandma will be here for a long time........ No... she won't...

i walked in the house in tears... i've been either crying... or holding back tears since Sunday... not really eating... can't sleep without the assistance of NyQuil... and just haven't felt like myself...

My dad saw my mother walk up and give me a hug while doing the dishes... "what's wrong?" he asked... "she's upset about Ma' Taylor..." she said... "don't worry it baby... Grandma will be here for a long time..." "No daddy... she won't..."

i understand that my father was just trying to comfort me... but at this age... i have to learn to live in reality... i'm an only child... and a daddy's girl... so it was naturally that my father would try to spare my feelings... even if it meant lying...

my grandmother is 89 years old... she's not my biological grandmother... but she's always treated me like family... and really... she never told me she wasn't my real grandmother... my dad did...

right now i'm sad... and angry... she'll never see me get married... never see me have kids... never... see me do all the things that my other cousins have done... and that really makes me upset... i know it's selfish... but it's how i feel... i know i should look at it and say... she's lived a long life... and she'll be looking down on me and my kids in heaven... but right now... that doesn't make me feel any better... i want her be here physically now...

then there's the waiting game... it's hard to deal with the death of a loved one when they haven't died... she's in pain... and she's tired... and i just want her to rest... and die peacefully... but she's still holding on... and i'm not sure why... it hurts to go see her... and that's a big part of the reason it took me two weeks to drive 5 miles from my house... to hers... cause it's just hurts to much... i know... it sounds bad... but it is what it is...

i'm just trying to enjoy her... what's left of her... cause most of the time she just opens her eyes for a few seconds... and then goes back to sleep... but i still have her here with me... and while she's here... i'll enjoy her... it sucks missing someone when their sitting right next to you...

death... bitter sweet... ah f@ck it... death sucks... ok... bye...

Nola*

A Versatile Blogger Award for Things to do today

so... i received my first blog award from M.Z. which is pretty cool... that someone thinks what 1 write is award worthy... and most of the time i think i just go on rants... but hey... thanks none the less! her blog is pretty awesome... and well put together... and if i wasn't following her before... i sure am now!

so with this award i have to write 7 random facts about me... and give awards to 15 other blogger... (makes me rethink liking this award... kinda sucks that i have to do work... but whatevs...)

so here we go...

1. i watch flavor of love season 3 everyday of the work week. (i have no idea why i do this... but it makes my day go by faster...)
2. i love root beer... and would drink it everyday if it was healthy...
3. i love playing in my boyfriends hair...
4. i'm almost positive most of the men that work in my office have a live boy and a dead girl in their closet... and there is nothing that you can say to convince me otherwise...
5. when people chew with their mouth open or smack/slurp food i feel like taking a gun and shooting them in the foot..
6. i like female strippers... and no... i'm not gay... gay friendly... but nope... don't fool with carpet... unless it's my own...
7. i love him... and this face...
and i'm way to lazy to write 15 bloggers i like... just check my blog role... k... bye...
Nola*

Surprise party... Strippers... Cupcakes... and ur Bitch ass boys...

So... I threw the boo a surprise party this weekend... had my girls came through... (because I know none of his female friends... and he says he doesn't really have any *side eye*) and a few of his boys... niggas were late... because... well... there niggas... but everything turned out great... He was really surprised... and confused... then was about to curse me out because I told him that I was in Miami and I was really in DC... So once he got over the fact that I lied to him... he was totally appreciative of the party...

So... I hang with a bunch of prissy chicks... (as am i...) so you know damn well we didn't bowl... but the fellas did... now i'm going to try to say this nicely... but all of Ny's friends except for one... are wack... i mean kriss kross inside out is wigity wack... one of them was like... aye... what's up with Siyani (bestie) I responded, "what do you mean what's up with her... nothing" he was like... i mean i wanted to holla... i told him not a chance...

later in the car while we were on our way to the strip club Ny asked why i was so harsh on his boy... i said... cause he's wack... and Yani wasn't going to give him the time of day... and she has a boyfriend who she adores... oh... and did i mention he's WACK!

any who... we're driving to the strip club and then all of a sudden Ny hits me with a text... "Baby... I don't think everyone wants to the strip club..." ok... cool... it was just an idea i though everyone would like... i mean it's titties... and nice titties at that... so Ny is like... i think everyone wants to go out... ok... mind you this is HIS birthday weekend... so i say... what do YOU want to do... then he was like... i mean... i'm just trying to make EVERYONE happy... i cut him off... FUCK EVERYONE ELSE... THIS IS YOUR BIRTHDAY WEEKEND... THAT IS SOME BITCH SHIT... DON'T BE A BITCH... BITCH'S WITH DICK'S ARE NOT SEXY IN 2010... AND I ONLY FUCKS WITH SEXY... *rant end*... needless to say we went to the strip club... it was chill... got him a table dance... he seemed to enjoy it when he wasn't wondering if i was getting jealous.... *rolls eyes* next time i'm taking one of my boys...

Nola*

3 things... (tellum how u feel tuesday)

(posted this one facebook...) Since I have a blog (holla at me for the url... lol) I rarely write notes on facebook anymore... but I've decided to post this one to the book as an ode to one of the favorite bloggers... Don... aka...Minus the bars... enjoyssssssssssssssssssssssssssss....

3 things that scare me:
1. not knowing what people i love really think about me...
2. loosing a loved one
3. clowns... (don't u dare judge me... those things aren't right...)

3 people that make me laugh
1. My dad (he gets funnier the older he gets...)
2. Deanna... she's so pretty (inside jk)
3. The boyfriend... He's funny... LOOKIN'! LOL!

3 things I love
1. SUSHI!
2. My gucci bag
3. A hot shower after a good workout...

3 people I love... it's more than 3... but whatevs
1. My parents... they're amazing... (and they're mine! get ur own! cause i'm not sharing... so don't be telling me that's like ur play mother/father... it's not... get over it... and get ur own... and yes... i am an only child... don't judge me...)
2. My close girlfriend/ guy friends (Yani, Tish, Nicole, Deanna, Jen, Robbie, Horace, and Danny there's more... just can't name u all! lol!)
3. The Boo thang... lol

3 things I hate
1. When I'm not acknowledge...
2. Cats... they're sneaky and they lick the butter...
3. Not having clarity in situations...

3 things I don't understand
1. Toll roads... they suck...
2. Why people watch BET... it's retarded... and bootleg as heck...
3. Starbucks... we're in America... why do i have to order stuff in a different language... i don't want a friggin tall! I want a small... jerks...

3 sayings that stay coming from my mouth
1. I want you to do what you want to do... don't do me any favors...
2. WHAT UP PLAYA!
3. What you want to eat?

3 things I am doing right now
1. Typing...
2. missing my friends... and boo thang...
3. Wondering who drank all of my Smarter Water... i sure was thirsty...

3 things I want to do before I die
1. Get married and have kids...
2. Eat Sushi in Japan
3. Eat a golden watermelon... (they have them only 2 weeks out of each year... they're pretty good so i hear...)

3 things I cannot do
1. Let someone put their hands on me...
2. Give an apology if I don't mean it...
3. Say I honestly like friend chicken... (i'm a baked kinda girl...)

3 things I think u should listen to
1. Someone who's been divorced...
2. Someone who's been HAPPILY married for over 20 years...
3. Someone on their death bed...

3 things I think u should never listen to
1.A dog that brings a bone...
2. A guy that wears a pinky ring... they're sleazy to me...
3. A woman who is single... that wants to give u advice on how to keep a man...

3 things I could watch all day
1. Law and Order SVU (i've done it before too!)
2. My godsons sleep
3. My boo thang smile... lol... it never gets old to me...

3 things that I could do all day
1. Hang with the girls!
2. Spoon with the boo thang... lol
3. Sit out at my pond...

“Love lasts when the relationship comes first.”

happy Tuesday to you all... (i always feel like i have to give an introduction to my blogs... but whatevs...) let's get to it...

so... i've been in a relationship for about 2 1/2 months... and one thing i've realized... it's def work... work that i love doing... not like a job... but more like a purpose or a calling in life... but none the less... it's work...

now mind you there are times where i find myself feeling that i don't want to do certain things (like sitting through 3 hrs of his basketball games... and 2 hrs of flag football games... not sleeping cause he wants to see me at 11:00 pm and i have to wake up at 4 am... etc... etc...) for the simple fact that i don't feel like it... but i have to... because i want to be in this relationship...

for example... i'm a part time photographer... i love, love, LOVE taking photos... yet... i hate sitting and editing them and giving my clients a finished product... if i don't do the editing... i can't intern be a photographer... well... can't call myself a good one... feel me...

i've never been great at relationships... but with each one i've gotten a little better (i hope i have at least...) now to get an honest answer you would have to ask Ny... but i would say i do pretty well with our relationship... at least that's what he and his friends tell me...

in many ways i'm still learning how to be HIS girlfriend... let me explain... i feel that you can never go into a relationship with a new person and expect to handle the relationship the same way you did with a previous partner (surprisingly... people always do this... those people include me...) it just won't work... they're two different people... just like with a job... if you use to be a security guard... and you land a job in IT... you can't think that shooting a customers computer screen is gonna fix their hard drive... just sayin... lol

now i'm not saying you have to change who you are as a person... but you do have to make a realistic decision on if you can do the work it take to be with that person... and make the things that are important to your boyfriend/girlfriend important to you...

it seems really easy to make Ny happy...because it's important to me... and he's pretty good at making me happy... but he drops the ball... a lot (not with cheating *i don't think at least* but with other little things... i.e. being on time... major one...) but he get's better and better at it everyday... and i'm willing to work with him and be patient with him... cause i guess that what love is...

i can't say right now that we're going to spend the rest of our lives together... but what i do know... is that i'm willing to put in the work... to see if we can...

Nola*