yeah i know... been a while... so let's go ahead and get to it...
breakup's suck... like how you really want chik-fil-a and you drive 20 minutes... and then you realize it's sunday suck... and here's some of the things that i come to realize when it's all said and done...
1. i loose 15lbs...
2. i like vanilla cupcakes more than chocolate...
3. i have the best bed in the world... it feel like it's hugging me when i'm in it...
4. taking showers makes me feel better...
5. i'll check my phone to see if you called or sent a text... even though i know ur not going to...
6. i tend to work more...
7. i tend to bake more...
8. i do a lot more arts and crafts...
9. i'll buy ur soap... or at least the kind that smells like you... cause it makes me feel like ur still around...
10. i have to re-learn how to do everything without you in my life...
breakups suck... major butt...
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
You know when you're done...
Bestie and had a long tearful conversation yesterday... she sent me an email that morning on how disappointed she was on how i have been treating our friendship... and while some of the stuff really hurt me to read... i knew she was right... i explained to her why i had been so distant... and why i hadn't even inquired about my Godson... and while there was no real excuse... she excepted it and forgave me for it... that's the thing about real friends... you all can be mad as hell at each other... but when it comes down to it... you all will always be friends...
i started talking to her about my relationship... how things have been going down hill... i explained that he'd been doing some crappy stuff... but he's not a crappy person... it's just the crappy stuff that he does makes him seem like a crappy boyfriend... it's actually to the point where i can't even look at his picture without tears coming to my eyes... so all of his pictures are in draws now... i'm just not sure how we got here... and i'm not sure if it can get better...
she looked at me... and said, "now... i may be giving you the worst advice in the world right now... but if you still want to be with him... stay with him... if he still makes you happy... stay... and when you don't want to be with him anymore... then you leave... only YOU know when you're done..."
and she's right... i remember when i broke up with Drew... it wasn't that he did anything... i just woke up that morning... and was like... i don't want to be with him anymore... i called him that evening... and told him that i wanted to end things... and that was that...
i'm not there with Ny... and i never want to be... but there's only so much tears... there's only so many sleepless nights... days without food... and not acting or feeling like yourself a girl can take...
i think PJ said it best... "I miss my old Tiff... The one before the boyfriend with the cool name..." *sigh* i miss her too...
Nola*
i started talking to her about my relationship... how things have been going down hill... i explained that he'd been doing some crappy stuff... but he's not a crappy person... it's just the crappy stuff that he does makes him seem like a crappy boyfriend... it's actually to the point where i can't even look at his picture without tears coming to my eyes... so all of his pictures are in draws now... i'm just not sure how we got here... and i'm not sure if it can get better...
she looked at me... and said, "now... i may be giving you the worst advice in the world right now... but if you still want to be with him... stay with him... if he still makes you happy... stay... and when you don't want to be with him anymore... then you leave... only YOU know when you're done..."
and she's right... i remember when i broke up with Drew... it wasn't that he did anything... i just woke up that morning... and was like... i don't want to be with him anymore... i called him that evening... and told him that i wanted to end things... and that was that...
i'm not there with Ny... and i never want to be... but there's only so much tears... there's only so many sleepless nights... days without food... and not acting or feeling like yourself a girl can take...
i think PJ said it best... "I miss my old Tiff... The one before the boyfriend with the cool name..." *sigh* i miss her too...
Nola*
Thursday, May 26, 2011
i believe you...
yep... another depressing blog... but that's life... the sweet is never as sweet... without the bitter... let's get to it...
i think the best song to describe my life is one by the fine brother Common... Go...
i wish shit was as easy as this video... it sucks when you actually realize what's in someone heart... what they have the potential to do to you when you're not around... as much as i don't want to believe he could cheat... he could throw away everything just like that... i do...
the shit that use to seem so sincere... isn't... the things that use to be so natural seem forced... and it bites... bites big donkey balls...
i don't think i've made it through a week without crying in months...
when someone shows you who they are... you should believe them the first time... and ever though it's taken more than one time... i believe you...
Nola*
i think the best song to describe my life is one by the fine brother Common... Go...
i wish shit was as easy as this video... it sucks when you actually realize what's in someone heart... what they have the potential to do to you when you're not around... as much as i don't want to believe he could cheat... he could throw away everything just like that... i do...
the shit that use to seem so sincere... isn't... the things that use to be so natural seem forced... and it bites... bites big donkey balls...
i don't think i've made it through a week without crying in months...
when someone shows you who they are... you should believe them the first time... and ever though it's taken more than one time... i believe you...
Nola*
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Been a minute...
Lots has happened... Good... and bad... but that's life...
The bestie and I are no longer as close as we use to be... I miss her terribly... but people are in your life for seasons... and our 12 year season I feel has come to a close... I won't get into what my reason is... or what I think her reason is... but I guess it's necessary on both parts...
Ny and I have had a really rough month... things are starting to get back to normal... but sadly, some days... I think this is just the beginning of the end...
Now I know every relationship has it's problems... but these problems are starting to take a tole on the person that I am... There was a week were I literally cried at least twice a day... everyday... there were two days where the only thing that I could stomach to eat was crackers... and I only had like 4 of those... there was two days that went by where I did not sleep... I honestly felt like I was falling into a mild depression...
And on the real... I feel like I'm losing him... I feel like he's just waiting for the next best thing to come along... I feel like he's no longer in love with me...
I could handle him just telling me he's not sure about us... but he puts a mask over what I feel are his true feelings by saying, "Babe... everything is fine..." my gut tells me otherwise... and my gut... is rarely wrong...
I just wish things could go back to the way they use to be... when we were so in love... and he was so fascinated by me... and he wanted to spend every waking moment with me... and always called... and didn't forget about me... forget about the things that made me happy... but the truth is things never go back to being the same... they either get better or get worse...
It seems like the only time he feels the need to fight for me is when I'm walking out the door... the only time he fights is when there a trauma in the relationship... I can't understand why he has to wait til then to show he loves me...
He seems to want to go out to bars more... when I ask... hey... you want to hook up? he say "Uh... I might be going out tonight..." or "...they boys and I might hit up a bar..."
Then there are all the questions that go unanswered... I really feel sometime he goes behind my back and does dirt... Can't really prove it... and honestly... at this point... I don't want to...
I wish I could go back to the good old days... when love was only about candy and holding hands...
Nola*
The bestie and I are no longer as close as we use to be... I miss her terribly... but people are in your life for seasons... and our 12 year season I feel has come to a close... I won't get into what my reason is... or what I think her reason is... but I guess it's necessary on both parts...
Ny and I have had a really rough month... things are starting to get back to normal... but sadly, some days... I think this is just the beginning of the end...
Now I know every relationship has it's problems... but these problems are starting to take a tole on the person that I am... There was a week were I literally cried at least twice a day... everyday... there were two days where the only thing that I could stomach to eat was crackers... and I only had like 4 of those... there was two days that went by where I did not sleep... I honestly felt like I was falling into a mild depression...
And on the real... I feel like I'm losing him... I feel like he's just waiting for the next best thing to come along... I feel like he's no longer in love with me...
I could handle him just telling me he's not sure about us... but he puts a mask over what I feel are his true feelings by saying, "Babe... everything is fine..." my gut tells me otherwise... and my gut... is rarely wrong...
I just wish things could go back to the way they use to be... when we were so in love... and he was so fascinated by me... and he wanted to spend every waking moment with me... and always called... and didn't forget about me... forget about the things that made me happy... but the truth is things never go back to being the same... they either get better or get worse...
It seems like the only time he feels the need to fight for me is when I'm walking out the door... the only time he fights is when there a trauma in the relationship... I can't understand why he has to wait til then to show he loves me...
He seems to want to go out to bars more... when I ask... hey... you want to hook up? he say "Uh... I might be going out tonight..." or "...they boys and I might hit up a bar..."
Then there are all the questions that go unanswered... I really feel sometime he goes behind my back and does dirt... Can't really prove it... and honestly... at this point... I don't want to...
I wish I could go back to the good old days... when love was only about candy and holding hands...
Nola*
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
funerals... bulls tickets... and feelings
yep... i'm pissed... and i'm probably gonna be that way for a while...
Ny went to the Bulls vs Wizards game last night... at first he said he wasn't going... then at the 11th hour he decided to get tickets...
now salty is an understatement for what i was... i had already expressed to him that i had REALLY wanted to go to the game... but he had his money tied up in a few things so i understood why he didn't want to buy the tickets... so i proceeded to make a doctors appt. and hit the gym afterwards... now i could have rescheduled that gym... but my doctor charges you a missed appt fee if you don't cancel in 24 hrs... (this is gonna be one of those rambling blogs... just stay with me... i'm gonna bring it in...)
Ny has ALWAYS been the type to wait to the last minute... nothing is ever planned with us... even when we're going to make plans... he'll call me 1 hour before and be like... what do you want to do... it's NEVER... hey... i got something planned for us... it sucks to be thought of at the last minute... i don't feel like a priority at ALL...
trying to talk to him is useless... cause he winds up yelling... and me crying... and i just don't feel like dealing with it today... or this week...
i'm trying help plan a funeral... my Godfather passed a month ago... (yes... a month) he's being buried in Arlington Cemetery... and i'm driving to Philly for the 1st funeral... and then driving back to VA for burial... i hate funerals... and i've just been really trying to have a positive outlook on the whole thing... and not be a Debbie Downer... but shit... i've reach my breaking point.... i'm just over this whole thing at this point...
i don't feel he cares about my feelings...
yeah... relationships suck today... all this feelings and trying to make shit work is for the birds...
Nola*
Ny went to the Bulls vs Wizards game last night... at first he said he wasn't going... then at the 11th hour he decided to get tickets...
now salty is an understatement for what i was... i had already expressed to him that i had REALLY wanted to go to the game... but he had his money tied up in a few things so i understood why he didn't want to buy the tickets... so i proceeded to make a doctors appt. and hit the gym afterwards... now i could have rescheduled that gym... but my doctor charges you a missed appt fee if you don't cancel in 24 hrs... (this is gonna be one of those rambling blogs... just stay with me... i'm gonna bring it in...)
Ny has ALWAYS been the type to wait to the last minute... nothing is ever planned with us... even when we're going to make plans... he'll call me 1 hour before and be like... what do you want to do... it's NEVER... hey... i got something planned for us... it sucks to be thought of at the last minute... i don't feel like a priority at ALL...
trying to talk to him is useless... cause he winds up yelling... and me crying... and i just don't feel like dealing with it today... or this week...
i'm trying help plan a funeral... my Godfather passed a month ago... (yes... a month) he's being buried in Arlington Cemetery... and i'm driving to Philly for the 1st funeral... and then driving back to VA for burial... i hate funerals... and i've just been really trying to have a positive outlook on the whole thing... and not be a Debbie Downer... but shit... i've reach my breaking point.... i'm just over this whole thing at this point...
i don't feel he cares about my feelings...
yeah... relationships suck today... all this feelings and trying to make shit work is for the birds...
Nola*
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
the boyfriend and i had an amazing weekend... we went to the National Baltimore Aquarium... saw some fish and shit... hit a couple of food spot (i got a little tipsy) went back to the hotel... and made woopie... good ole' fashion woopie...
he really opened up to me during dinner on Saturday night... he talked to me about his past relationship with his ex and why they didn't work out... he asked me questions about my last relationship and why i stayed with him, even though i cheated on him for 5 of the 6 years we were together... and i gave him upfront and honest answers...
so i thought this would be perfect time to talk about the few issues i have with his family... which actually has nothing to deal with their personalities... but more so to deal with the current health of them...
i really thought that my concern was valid... being that i may be the person to bare his children one day... but once i brought up the subject i was quickly shut down and put in my place...
i hit a nerve... a big one... and when someone becomes defensive about something that can indicate that there is a serious matter below the surface...
but it's going to have to be talked about... even if it means a knock down drag out fight... (and i's knows how to whoops some ass)
Nola*
he really opened up to me during dinner on Saturday night... he talked to me about his past relationship with his ex and why they didn't work out... he asked me questions about my last relationship and why i stayed with him, even though i cheated on him for 5 of the 6 years we were together... and i gave him upfront and honest answers...
so i thought this would be perfect time to talk about the few issues i have with his family... which actually has nothing to deal with their personalities... but more so to deal with the current health of them...
i really thought that my concern was valid... being that i may be the person to bare his children one day... but once i brought up the subject i was quickly shut down and put in my place...
i hit a nerve... a big one... and when someone becomes defensive about something that can indicate that there is a serious matter below the surface...
but it's going to have to be talked about... even if it means a knock down drag out fight... (and i's knows how to whoops some ass)
Nola*
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
30 Day letter challenge...
Let's see how this works... Write 1 letter ever day... about a particular subject...
Day 1... Your best friend...
Dear Dee Dee,
You rock... and i'll run that sushi eatin x boyfriend of yours over with my 8 speed... don't worry about where you are right now in life... you're right were you're suppose to be... I love you... ur a big ole' buddle of amazing... and don't you forget it...
Love,
Tiffany*
Day 1... Your best friend...
Dear Dee Dee,
You rock... and i'll run that sushi eatin x boyfriend of yours over with my 8 speed... don't worry about where you are right now in life... you're right were you're suppose to be... I love you... ur a big ole' buddle of amazing... and don't you forget it...
Love,
Tiffany*
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
x boyfriend... fuck off...
just letting you know ahead of time... this is about to be an angry black girl post...
as some of you might have read in previous post... i was in a 6 year relationshit... yeah... i spell it right... relation capital S H I T... fuck all that... he's a good guy... we just weren't meant for each... nigga was an inconsiderate BROKE asshole... yeah... i'll admit i was a dumb for sticking with his ass for so long... and yeah... i cheated on him for 5 of the 6 years we were together... (say something...) but the point of this blog is not to bash him... the point of this blog is to tell him to FUCK OFF.
both of us have moved onto different relationship... and i feel when you move on to a new relationship... you cut off all ties to friends and family that were made in you old relationship... if you didn't want to make me happy... leave my family the fuck alone...
Drew (that's the x's name) called my father up and asked him to lunch... mind you out of the 6 years we were together i can recall this lame broke nigga paying 4 times... (yes... sad... i know... even sadder that i put up with it...) and now you want buy my father food... fuck you... i don't care if he see's him as a father figure... HE'S MY FATHER... not urs... and it's not my fault you don't know you're daddy... go find his ass and then you won't have to worry about find a father figure...
wooooosaahhhhhhh.... okay... i'm done... just had to get that out...
Nola*
PS... Method Man can get it... sexy sexy sexy...
as some of you might have read in previous post... i was in a 6 year relationshit... yeah... i spell it right... relation capital S H I T... fuck all that... he's a good guy... we just weren't meant for each... nigga was an inconsiderate BROKE asshole... yeah... i'll admit i was a dumb for sticking with his ass for so long... and yeah... i cheated on him for 5 of the 6 years we were together... (say something...) but the point of this blog is not to bash him... the point of this blog is to tell him to FUCK OFF.
both of us have moved onto different relationship... and i feel when you move on to a new relationship... you cut off all ties to friends and family that were made in you old relationship... if you didn't want to make me happy... leave my family the fuck alone...
Drew (that's the x's name) called my father up and asked him to lunch... mind you out of the 6 years we were together i can recall this lame broke nigga paying 4 times... (yes... sad... i know... even sadder that i put up with it...) and now you want buy my father food... fuck you... i don't care if he see's him as a father figure... HE'S MY FATHER... not urs... and it's not my fault you don't know you're daddy... go find his ass and then you won't have to worry about find a father figure...
wooooosaahhhhhhh.... okay... i'm done... just had to get that out...
Nola*
PS... Method Man can get it... sexy sexy sexy...
stupid shit v day
so... Ny and i celebrated out 2nd v day together...
those first time butterflies that were inside my stomach last year have clearly been pooped out since the last v day... but none the less... it was a pretty good night...
his father had to go out of town on business... so he asked would it be ok if his mom and sister joined us for dinner... we ate at a place called DogFish Head ... Which is a pretty chill spot... really cute for date night... we had reservation for 6:30... but were late... because of his mother and sister... which i really didn't get since they were home all day long... but... moving on...
when i first walked in... Ny brought up this huge balloon... i cringed at the sight of it... it said HAPPY VALENTINES DAY... i know he meant well... but i just reached my breaking point with him buying me stupid shit... (i'm about to skip around) later on after dinner... he also gave me a HUGE box of chocolates (which i don't need... as i put another one in my mouth...) flower (which i loved...) strawberries (i guess they were ok...) and some chocolate syrup (0_o)... after all of this i decided to have a small talk with him about his gift selection for me...
i really didn't want to sound ungrateful... but i just don't want him wasting his money on stuff i think is stupid shit... so i simply asked "Ny...do you know the things i like?" he responded "yes, i think so..." and i then said... "well, to let you know... i like flowers... going to museums... Pandora Charms ... and cards... to which he responded... "well i'm sorry i bought you a bunch of crap..." i can understand why he responded like this... but i really felt this conversation was necessary so this stupid shit buying doesn't happen in the future... and hopefully he'll look at the situation from my point of view... at least you have a girlfriend that doesn't expect you to read her mind... i tell you what i like... and if you decided to get me something i don't like... don't expect me to jump up and down like you've done something spectacular... that whole "it's the thought that counts" is bullshit in my book... that's like me taking him to a place that serves ALL spicy food... (he's not to fond of spicy) and being like... baby get whatever you want... it's all on me! MY TREAT!!!!!
sorry for the rant... i get like this sometimes... but anyways... i love him... he loves me... and we're enjoying this relationship... and that's what matter... (but if he buys me another stupid ass balloon i'm gonna shove it down his throat...)
Nola*
those first time butterflies that were inside my stomach last year have clearly been pooped out since the last v day... but none the less... it was a pretty good night...
his father had to go out of town on business... so he asked would it be ok if his mom and sister joined us for dinner... we ate at a place called DogFish Head ... Which is a pretty chill spot... really cute for date night... we had reservation for 6:30... but were late... because of his mother and sister... which i really didn't get since they were home all day long... but... moving on...
when i first walked in... Ny brought up this huge balloon... i cringed at the sight of it... it said HAPPY VALENTINES DAY... i know he meant well... but i just reached my breaking point with him buying me stupid shit... (i'm about to skip around) later on after dinner... he also gave me a HUGE box of chocolates (which i don't need... as i put another one in my mouth...) flower (which i loved...) strawberries (i guess they were ok...) and some chocolate syrup (0_o)... after all of this i decided to have a small talk with him about his gift selection for me...
i really didn't want to sound ungrateful... but i just don't want him wasting his money on stuff i think is stupid shit... so i simply asked "Ny...do you know the things i like?" he responded "yes, i think so..." and i then said... "well, to let you know... i like flowers... going to museums... Pandora Charms ... and cards... to which he responded... "well i'm sorry i bought you a bunch of crap..." i can understand why he responded like this... but i really felt this conversation was necessary so this stupid shit buying doesn't happen in the future... and hopefully he'll look at the situation from my point of view... at least you have a girlfriend that doesn't expect you to read her mind... i tell you what i like... and if you decided to get me something i don't like... don't expect me to jump up and down like you've done something spectacular... that whole "it's the thought that counts" is bullshit in my book... that's like me taking him to a place that serves ALL spicy food... (he's not to fond of spicy) and being like... baby get whatever you want... it's all on me! MY TREAT!!!!!
sorry for the rant... i get like this sometimes... but anyways... i love him... he loves me... and we're enjoying this relationship... and that's what matter... (but if he buys me another stupid ass balloon i'm gonna shove it down his throat...)
Nola*
Monday, February 14, 2011
*something i wrote in a card... for Ny...*
hey you,
i literally stood in Hallmark store for like an hour trying to find the perfect card for you... and as i read through one after the other i thought to myself... the only person that can tell him how i feel about him is me...
so... here goes... i love the way our laughter sounds together... i love the way you always reach for my hand... i love the way you look when you sleep... i love the way you always make he happy when i'm upset, even when it's you i'm upset with... i love the way you smell... i love the way you smile... i love the way we make the perfect heart with our hands... i love the way you say "i love you Tiffany..." i love the way you make scrambled eggs... i love the way you brush ur "babes" lol... i love the way you kiss my cheek... i love the way you sing along to music on the radio... i love the way you dance when we have our breakdown session in the car... i love that i can always seem to make you smile... i love the way you always to stuff "just because"... but most of all... i love the way that you love me...
Tiffany*
hey you,
i literally stood in Hallmark store for like an hour trying to find the perfect card for you... and as i read through one after the other i thought to myself... the only person that can tell him how i feel about him is me...
so... here goes... i love the way our laughter sounds together... i love the way you always reach for my hand... i love the way you look when you sleep... i love the way you always make he happy when i'm upset, even when it's you i'm upset with... i love the way you smell... i love the way you smile... i love the way we make the perfect heart with our hands... i love the way you say "i love you Tiffany..." i love the way you make scrambled eggs... i love the way you brush ur "babes" lol... i love the way you kiss my cheek... i love the way you sing along to music on the radio... i love the way you dance when we have our breakdown session in the car... i love that i can always seem to make you smile... i love the way you always to stuff "just because"... but most of all... i love the way that you love me...
Tiffany*
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Preferance vs. Discrimination...
so... i had an interesting discussion with a co- worker the other day... she stated that her son doesn't like black woman... the reason being because they're loud... they never have their hair done... and a bunch of other bull... sadly... i have heard this SO many times from people about why black men don't like black women...
in my opinion *sidebar* this is simply how i fee about it... not saying it's right... *end sidebar* most times if you are a black male... that means ur mother is/was black... so for you to say that you don't like black women is disrespectful to the person that carried ur sorry @$$... and obviously you have a problem with you identity as a black man...
now there's nothing wrong with being attracted to someone outside of ur race... i personally prefer to date black men... i love black men... that's my preference... but i see nothing wrong with dating a man of another race... love is love... no matter what sex or race it comes from...
so in closing... black men that openly state that they don't like black women for whatever reason... f@ck you...
tis all...
Nola*
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Dear Bullies... Fuck you...
so... i was watching 20/20 this episode of 20/20 the other night... and it really brought back a lot of memories of my middle school days at Mt. Calvary Middle School... where i was bullied by a group of girls... the ring leader being a girl named Tanisha Reid... to this day i have a great deal of hatred towards her... which a lot of it i have had to let go for me in order to move forward in my own life... but watching shit like this just brings me back...
back to when i was afraid to go to school... back to my lunch being stolen on a regular basis... back to being slapped in the face... back to being taunted because i was under developed (btw... most of those girls i went to middle school with are morbidly obese now... just sayin *flips hair and smiles*)... back to when i felt i was absolutely miserable... and constantly had to deal with anxiety and fear...
i was entirely to scared to tell my parents... mainly because they adore me... and if they ever thought i was going through what i was they would have ran up in Mt. Calvary and whooped ever teachers and bullues behind in there and didn't want them being put in jail... i tried to tell staff but they would give a slap on the hand to the kids i was being bullied by... and they would go right back to it... i suffered through this for two years of my life...
i'm just wondering how many children have to take their lives before this bulling will stop... when will these cowards be prosecuted and these schools be held responsible for the well being of the children that attend these school that allow bulling to go on there...
this scares and saddens me... because one day... i want to have children... and if my child would be "bullied to death" or assaulted by a bully... it's gonna be a lot more than words...
Nola*
back to when i was afraid to go to school... back to my lunch being stolen on a regular basis... back to being slapped in the face... back to being taunted because i was under developed (btw... most of those girls i went to middle school with are morbidly obese now... just sayin *flips hair and smiles*)... back to when i felt i was absolutely miserable... and constantly had to deal with anxiety and fear...
i was entirely to scared to tell my parents... mainly because they adore me... and if they ever thought i was going through what i was they would have ran up in Mt. Calvary and whooped ever teachers and bullues behind in there and didn't want them being put in jail... i tried to tell staff but they would give a slap on the hand to the kids i was being bullied by... and they would go right back to it... i suffered through this for two years of my life...
i'm just wondering how many children have to take their lives before this bulling will stop... when will these cowards be prosecuted and these schools be held responsible for the well being of the children that attend these school that allow bulling to go on there...
this scares and saddens me... because one day... i want to have children... and if my child would be "bullied to death" or assaulted by a bully... it's gonna be a lot more than words...
Nola*
Monday, October 4, 2010
and on the count of 3... every body run back to your fantasy...
i'm in a relationship... i love him... he loves me... this is where i'm suppose to be...
i wish is was that simple...
some days (not often...) if feels like it's forced... i have a lot of resentment towards him because of shady actions during our dating days... and a few things that have occurred during our relationship (i know... i have to let it go...) ... but we're moving forwards... but some days i just want to give up... and go back to my "fantasy..."
i miss Terrell... he called me on thursday while i was getting a pedicure... "he Tiff babe!!!! i was just checking on you! u didn't return my text... how are you?!" to which i replied... "hey Rell! i'm sorry darling been busy" (i hadn't been busy) "i'm well, how are you?" we had small talk about what had been going on in each others lives... Terrell is graduating from grad school in december... i told him how proud i was of him (he's been in grad school for like 3 years... basically since i've known him...) and let him know that i'm taking him out to dinner to celebrate... then out of the blue... he let me know how much he's always appreciated me... and he's glad that i'm in his life...
i think out of all of the men i've dated... i loved Terrell the most... without judgement... without question... even if he loved me or not... i loved him with everything i had... i loved him as much as he would let me love him... and truth be told... if he would have asked me to wait for him... i would have obliged... but he loved me enough to let me know that a future between him and i would never be certain... and that i should find someone that could give me what i wanted... because he wasn't able to... and he didn't know if he ever would be able to...
you know... i think when you move on from someone... but you still have hopes for what could be... you leave a piece of your heart with them... just so you have something to stand on if you ever come back... and on the real... i have left a small portion of my heart with Rell...
my heart aches when i talk to him... and when i see him i fight back tears... when he hugs me i pull back after a few moments even when he refuses to let go... i don't return text messages right away... and i won't answer his phone calls... i respectfully avoid him...
cause at the end of the day... what could be between Rell and i, is merely a fantasy... and with Ny... what i have is real...
we always want... what we can't have... sheesh...
ugh... this feeling shit is for the birds... i'm outtie...
Nola*
i wish is was that simple...
some days (not often...) if feels like it's forced... i have a lot of resentment towards him because of shady actions during our dating days... and a few things that have occurred during our relationship (i know... i have to let it go...) ... but we're moving forwards... but some days i just want to give up... and go back to my "fantasy..."
i miss Terrell... he called me on thursday while i was getting a pedicure... "he Tiff babe!!!! i was just checking on you! u didn't return my text... how are you?!" to which i replied... "hey Rell! i'm sorry darling been busy" (i hadn't been busy) "i'm well, how are you?" we had small talk about what had been going on in each others lives... Terrell is graduating from grad school in december... i told him how proud i was of him (he's been in grad school for like 3 years... basically since i've known him...) and let him know that i'm taking him out to dinner to celebrate... then out of the blue... he let me know how much he's always appreciated me... and he's glad that i'm in his life...
i think out of all of the men i've dated... i loved Terrell the most... without judgement... without question... even if he loved me or not... i loved him with everything i had... i loved him as much as he would let me love him... and truth be told... if he would have asked me to wait for him... i would have obliged... but he loved me enough to let me know that a future between him and i would never be certain... and that i should find someone that could give me what i wanted... because he wasn't able to... and he didn't know if he ever would be able to...
you know... i think when you move on from someone... but you still have hopes for what could be... you leave a piece of your heart with them... just so you have something to stand on if you ever come back... and on the real... i have left a small portion of my heart with Rell...
my heart aches when i talk to him... and when i see him i fight back tears... when he hugs me i pull back after a few moments even when he refuses to let go... i don't return text messages right away... and i won't answer his phone calls... i respectfully avoid him...
cause at the end of the day... what could be between Rell and i, is merely a fantasy... and with Ny... what i have is real...
we always want... what we can't have... sheesh...
ugh... this feeling shit is for the birds... i'm outtie...
Nola*
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
organized randoms... (tellum how u feel tuesday)
on being in love with one person:
- it's complicated as hell... i didn't have to worry about all these weird feeling when i was single...
- i find myself randomly bringing him up in conversations... missing him when he's only been gone from my presence less than 5 minutes... and writing his name over and over again in meetings...
- how the hell is he able to make me upset over stupid shit... one time... i said that PG girls are the prettiest girl in the metro area... he said NOVA girls were... I cursed him out... cried... and had an attitude for 3 days...
- i love having only one man in my life... cause i don't have to lie... or try to figure out who gave me an STD...
- Don... this man smacks food... tries to hold conversations with me when he CLEARLY SEES me eating... and tries to take credit for everything that is done in the world... he once said that he met President Obama and inspired him to run for office... really... i'm not lying...
- Cynthia... this mustache wearing bitch gets on my last damn nerves... this chick constantly looks at everything i wear to work... and then criticises it... bitch... worry more about getting the lip waxed and less about my Pandora Charm bracelet/necklace...
- Trash guy... I don't know u... stop acting like you know me... trying to carry on meaningless conversation is dumb... you're only going to be talking to the back of my head... empty my trash and keep it moving...
- mail guy... refer to trash guy... give me my mail... and keep it moving...
- fat old bitter bitches in my building... i cannot help it that you're office crush has the hots for me... i'm 26... this is my "hey day" yours has passed... get over it...
- guards... please stop randomly stopping my car cause you want to see my legs... it was cute the first 20 times you did it... not it's just making me late for work...
- dad... stop getting mad because i've become just like you... we're assholes... and it take a certain type of person to put up with us...
- mom... thanks for being the certain type of person that puts up with us...
- Yani and i don't talk as much as we use to... but we're always gonna be best friends... we're at different places in our lives... she's a mom... i'm not... even though it's a small change... it's impacted our relationship... but there nothing that i wouldn't do for her... and vice versa...
- Dee Dee... i would have never thought we would be this close... you're amazing... don't change...
- PJezzy... you're my ATL shorty... and no matter how far you go i'll always be you pretty girl county buddy... stop boning strippers... that's how you get worms...
- Tweezy... ur my messy little hoe face... stop boning girls you pick up at the club... that's how you get herpes... and worms... and their boyfriend who gave them both knocking at ur door at 3:30am... (true story... I was on the phone with him when it happened...)
- Rob... i love u sooo... i'm gonna have to send you a bill because if it wasn't for you i would have drove NyJuan crazy... either that or killed him... lol... i'll fly to Florida anytime and check a bitch for you..
- i blog when i want... and i wanted to blog today... hope you enjoyeddddddddddddddd... lol
Monday, August 30, 2010
relationships vs. relationSH!TS
so... most of my girlfriends are settled down like myself... and they are very happy and monogamous in their current relationships... but there is this one woman... who is rounding 30 who is still single... and she loathes her current status...
to be honest... out of all of my girlfriend she is the most attractive... she has a great personality... and has a lot going for her... but she constantly dates the same kind of guys... ball players... club promoters... and party guys... these men are always have tons of women around them... and are in no way shape or form ready to settle down... and she constantly tries to "save" this guys...
why the hell would you want a guy that doesn't want you? i mean... we've all been there before... trying to get a man to do what we want them to do... but i think we've all came to the understanding that if a man wants you... he's show it... and if he doesn't... you know it... (i should trademark that line... lol)
i just really hope she wakes up... and stops trying to convince a man of her worth... and finds someone who can see it without her having to open her mouth and tell them...
Nola*
to be honest... out of all of my girlfriend she is the most attractive... she has a great personality... and has a lot going for her... but she constantly dates the same kind of guys... ball players... club promoters... and party guys... these men are always have tons of women around them... and are in no way shape or form ready to settle down... and she constantly tries to "save" this guys...
why the hell would you want a guy that doesn't want you? i mean... we've all been there before... trying to get a man to do what we want them to do... but i think we've all came to the understanding that if a man wants you... he's show it... and if he doesn't... you know it... (i should trademark that line... lol)
i just really hope she wakes up... and stops trying to convince a man of her worth... and finds someone who can see it without her having to open her mouth and tell them...
Nola*
Sunday, August 15, 2010
some days... i just wanna be single...
relationships are a lot of work... you find out something new about a person everyday... and sometimes you find those new things about that person straight out SUCK...
i love him... no question about that... i want to be with him... no question about that either... but loving him so much... and wanting to be with him so much sometimes causes me what i feel at the time is unnecessary pain... cause if i were single... and just dating him i wouldn't feel like this... he would be disposable... cause what he lacks... i would simply and unapologetically find someone else to pick up his slack...
but at this point that's not an option...
the things that hurt... i have to deal with... well at least until the point the pain becomes unhealthy for me... and then i'd have to deal with choosing myself over him... and walk away...
i know it sounds really bad but today is one of those days where the only reason i'm with him is because i love him... cause today... i just don't see that person i feel in love with...
Nola*
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
funerals, ghetto/country ghetto ass relatives, and hot ass churches...
so... my grandmother passed away... peacefully... to be honest it was the most beautiful transition into death i have ever seen... she simply drifted to sleep... it was around 9:30... and i just got home from the gym... i walked in and saw my dad with this strange look on his face... my mom came downstairs and said she was gone... i then walked downstairs to my room... laid on my bed and began to cry... then all of sudden... I felt this warm feeling from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet... like someone was laying gently on me... it lasted for about 30 seconds... and then went away... in my mind it was her... giving me a hug goodbye... i miss her...
now for the ignorant shit...
we get to the church... Upper Room Baptist Church... and there is NO AC in this church... as we walk in i hear some dude reading this sad ass bible verses... we sit down... it's hot ass hell... and the service starts... the choir (which consisted of 3... yes... 3 old people who couldn't sing...) started singing some sad ass song... that was off key... my cousin Tone got up... gave a beautiful speech about my grandmother... that was short sweet and to the point...
the next thing i know... this lame ass minister gets up and starts preaching about everything in the world other than my grandmother... he starts talking about how tatoo's mean you practice in witch craft... about how you gotta be in a wheelbarrow... and if you have a tattoo your going to hell... (i have three... but if i am going to hell... it won't be for a tattoo... God can come up with a bunch of other reason for me to go there... lol... just kidding... not really...)
*sidenote* my current boyfriend... and my x boyfriend both showed up at the funeral... my family seemed to get a good laugh out of that... smh...*
and of course the repass was hilarious... niggas kept coming up to me telling me how much i've grown... and how i look just like my mother... i didn't even know who they were... i left early... i was in a crappy mood... and i didn't feel like people hugging me tell me it was going to be ok...
i'm glad my Grandma is resting... she deserves it... love you ma'...
Nola*
now for the ignorant shit...
we get to the church... Upper Room Baptist Church... and there is NO AC in this church... as we walk in i hear some dude reading this sad ass bible verses... we sit down... it's hot ass hell... and the service starts... the choir (which consisted of 3... yes... 3 old people who couldn't sing...) started singing some sad ass song... that was off key... my cousin Tone got up... gave a beautiful speech about my grandmother... that was short sweet and to the point...
the next thing i know... this lame ass minister gets up and starts preaching about everything in the world other than my grandmother... he starts talking about how tatoo's mean you practice in witch craft... about how you gotta be in a wheelbarrow... and if you have a tattoo your going to hell... (i have three... but if i am going to hell... it won't be for a tattoo... God can come up with a bunch of other reason for me to go there... lol... just kidding... not really...)
*sidenote* my current boyfriend... and my x boyfriend both showed up at the funeral... my family seemed to get a good laugh out of that... smh...*
and of course the repass was hilarious... niggas kept coming up to me telling me how much i've grown... and how i look just like my mother... i didn't even know who they were... i left early... i was in a crappy mood... and i didn't feel like people hugging me tell me it was going to be ok...
i'm glad my Grandma is resting... she deserves it... love you ma'...
Nola*
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Grandma will be here for a long time........ No... she won't...
i walked in the house in tears... i've been either crying... or holding back tears since Sunday... not really eating... can't sleep without the assistance of NyQuil... and just haven't felt like myself...
My dad saw my mother walk up and give me a hug while doing the dishes... "what's wrong?" he asked... "she's upset about Ma' Taylor..." she said... "don't worry it baby... Grandma will be here for a long time..." "No daddy... she won't..."
i understand that my father was just trying to comfort me... but at this age... i have to learn to live in reality... i'm an only child... and a daddy's girl... so it was naturally that my father would try to spare my feelings... even if it meant lying...
my grandmother is 89 years old... she's not my biological grandmother... but she's always treated me like family... and really... she never told me she wasn't my real grandmother... my dad did...
right now i'm sad... and angry... she'll never see me get married... never see me have kids... never... see me do all the things that my other cousins have done... and that really makes me upset... i know it's selfish... but it's how i feel... i know i should look at it and say... she's lived a long life... and she'll be looking down on me and my kids in heaven... but right now... that doesn't make me feel any better... i want her be here physically now...
then there's the waiting game... it's hard to deal with the death of a loved one when they haven't died... she's in pain... and she's tired... and i just want her to rest... and die peacefully... but she's still holding on... and i'm not sure why... it hurts to go see her... and that's a big part of the reason it took me two weeks to drive 5 miles from my house... to hers... cause it's just hurts to much... i know... it sounds bad... but it is what it is...
i'm just trying to enjoy her... what's left of her... cause most of the time she just opens her eyes for a few seconds... and then goes back to sleep... but i still have her here with me... and while she's here... i'll enjoy her... it sucks missing someone when their sitting right next to you...
death... bitter sweet... ah f@ck it... death sucks... ok... bye...
Nola*
My dad saw my mother walk up and give me a hug while doing the dishes... "what's wrong?" he asked... "she's upset about Ma' Taylor..." she said... "don't worry it baby... Grandma will be here for a long time..." "No daddy... she won't..."
i understand that my father was just trying to comfort me... but at this age... i have to learn to live in reality... i'm an only child... and a daddy's girl... so it was naturally that my father would try to spare my feelings... even if it meant lying...
my grandmother is 89 years old... she's not my biological grandmother... but she's always treated me like family... and really... she never told me she wasn't my real grandmother... my dad did...
right now i'm sad... and angry... she'll never see me get married... never see me have kids... never... see me do all the things that my other cousins have done... and that really makes me upset... i know it's selfish... but it's how i feel... i know i should look at it and say... she's lived a long life... and she'll be looking down on me and my kids in heaven... but right now... that doesn't make me feel any better... i want her be here physically now...
then there's the waiting game... it's hard to deal with the death of a loved one when they haven't died... she's in pain... and she's tired... and i just want her to rest... and die peacefully... but she's still holding on... and i'm not sure why... it hurts to go see her... and that's a big part of the reason it took me two weeks to drive 5 miles from my house... to hers... cause it's just hurts to much... i know... it sounds bad... but it is what it is...
i'm just trying to enjoy her... what's left of her... cause most of the time she just opens her eyes for a few seconds... and then goes back to sleep... but i still have her here with me... and while she's here... i'll enjoy her... it sucks missing someone when their sitting right next to you...
death... bitter sweet... ah f@ck it... death sucks... ok... bye...
Nola*
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
A Versatile Blogger Award for Things to do today
so... i received my first blog award from M.Z. which is pretty cool... that someone thinks what 1 write is award worthy... and most of the time i think i just go on rants... but hey... thanks none the less! her blog is pretty awesome... and well put together... and if i wasn't following her before... i sure am now!
so with this award i have to write 7 random facts about me... and give awards to 15 other blogger... (makes me rethink liking this award... kinda sucks that i have to do work... but whatevs...)
so here we go...
1. i watch flavor of love season 3 everyday of the work week. (i have no idea why i do this... but it makes my day go by faster...)
2. i love root beer... and would drink it everyday if it was healthy...
3. i love playing in my boyfriends hair...
4. i'm almost positive most of the men that work in my office have a live boy and a dead girl in their closet... and there is nothing that you can say to convince me otherwise...
5. when people chew with their mouth open or smack/slurp food i feel like taking a gun and shooting them in the foot..
6. i like female strippers... and no... i'm not gay... gay friendly... but nope... don't fool with carpet... unless it's my own...
7. i love him... and this face...
and i'm way to lazy to write 15 bloggers i like... just check my blog role... k... bye...
Nola*
so with this award i have to write 7 random facts about me... and give awards to 15 other blogger... (makes me rethink liking this award... kinda sucks that i have to do work... but whatevs...)
so here we go...
1. i watch flavor of love season 3 everyday of the work week. (i have no idea why i do this... but it makes my day go by faster...)
2. i love root beer... and would drink it everyday if it was healthy...
3. i love playing in my boyfriends hair...
4. i'm almost positive most of the men that work in my office have a live boy and a dead girl in their closet... and there is nothing that you can say to convince me otherwise...
5. when people chew with their mouth open or smack/slurp food i feel like taking a gun and shooting them in the foot..
6. i like female strippers... and no... i'm not gay... gay friendly... but nope... don't fool with carpet... unless it's my own...
7. i love him... and this face...
and i'm way to lazy to write 15 bloggers i like... just check my blog role... k... bye...
Nola*
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Surprise party... Strippers... Cupcakes... and ur Bitch ass boys...
So... I threw the boo a surprise party this weekend... had my girls came through... (because I know none of his female friends... and he says he doesn't really have any *side eye*) and a few of his boys... niggas were late... because... well... there niggas... but everything turned out great... He was really surprised... and confused... then was about to curse me out because I told him that I was in Miami and I was really in DC... So once he got over the fact that I lied to him... he was totally appreciative of the party...
So... I hang with a bunch of prissy chicks... (as am i...) so you know damn well we didn't bowl... but the fellas did... now i'm going to try to say this nicely... but all of Ny's friends except for one... are wack... i mean kriss kross inside out is wigity wack... one of them was like... aye... what's up with Siyani (bestie) I responded, "what do you mean what's up with her... nothing" he was like... i mean i wanted to holla... i told him not a chance...
later in the car while we were on our way to the strip club Ny asked why i was so harsh on his boy... i said... cause he's wack... and Yani wasn't going to give him the time of day... and she has a boyfriend who she adores... oh... and did i mention he's WACK!
any who... we're driving to the strip club and then all of a sudden Ny hits me with a text... "Baby... I don't think everyone wants to the strip club..." ok... cool... it was just an idea i though everyone would like... i mean it's titties... and nice titties at that... so Ny is like... i think everyone wants to go out... ok... mind you this is HIS birthday weekend... so i say... what do YOU want to do... then he was like... i mean... i'm just trying to make EVERYONE happy... i cut him off... FUCK EVERYONE ELSE... THIS IS YOUR BIRTHDAY WEEKEND... THAT IS SOME BITCH SHIT... DON'T BE A BITCH... BITCH'S WITH DICK'S ARE NOT SEXY IN 2010... AND I ONLY FUCKS WITH SEXY... *rant end*... needless to say we went to the strip club... it was chill... got him a table dance... he seemed to enjoy it when he wasn't wondering if i was getting jealous.... *rolls eyes* next time i'm taking one of my boys...
Nola*
So... I hang with a bunch of prissy chicks... (as am i...) so you know damn well we didn't bowl... but the fellas did... now i'm going to try to say this nicely... but all of Ny's friends except for one... are wack... i mean kriss kross inside out is wigity wack... one of them was like... aye... what's up with Siyani (bestie) I responded, "what do you mean what's up with her... nothing" he was like... i mean i wanted to holla... i told him not a chance...
later in the car while we were on our way to the strip club Ny asked why i was so harsh on his boy... i said... cause he's wack... and Yani wasn't going to give him the time of day... and she has a boyfriend who she adores... oh... and did i mention he's WACK!
any who... we're driving to the strip club and then all of a sudden Ny hits me with a text... "Baby... I don't think everyone wants to the strip club..." ok... cool... it was just an idea i though everyone would like... i mean it's titties... and nice titties at that... so Ny is like... i think everyone wants to go out... ok... mind you this is HIS birthday weekend... so i say... what do YOU want to do... then he was like... i mean... i'm just trying to make EVERYONE happy... i cut him off... FUCK EVERYONE ELSE... THIS IS YOUR BIRTHDAY WEEKEND... THAT IS SOME BITCH SHIT... DON'T BE A BITCH... BITCH'S WITH DICK'S ARE NOT SEXY IN 2010... AND I ONLY FUCKS WITH SEXY... *rant end*... needless to say we went to the strip club... it was chill... got him a table dance... he seemed to enjoy it when he wasn't wondering if i was getting jealous.... *rolls eyes* next time i'm taking one of my boys...
Nola*
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