You know when you're done...

Bestie and  had a long tearful conversation yesterday... she sent me an email that morning on how disappointed she was on how i have been treating our friendship... and while some of the stuff really hurt me to read... i knew she was right... i explained to her why i had been so distant... and why i hadn't even inquired about my Godson... and while there was no real excuse... she excepted it and forgave me for it... that's the thing about real friends... you all can be mad as hell at each other... but when it comes down to it... you all will always be friends...

i started talking to her about my relationship... how things have been going down hill... i explained that he'd been doing some crappy stuff... but he's not a crappy person... it's just the crappy stuff that he does makes him seem like a crappy boyfriend... it's actually to the point where i can't even look at his picture without tears coming to my eyes... so all of his pictures are in draws now... i'm just not sure how we got here... and i'm not sure if it can get better...

she looked at me... and said, "now... i may be giving you the worst advice in the world right now... but if you still want to be with him... stay with him... if he still makes you happy... stay... and when you don't want to be with him anymore... then you leave... only YOU know when you're done..."

and she's right... i remember when i broke up with Drew... it wasn't that he did anything... i just woke up that morning... and was like... i don't want to be with him anymore... i called him that evening... and told him that i wanted to end things... and that was that...

i'm not there with Ny... and i never want to be... but there's only so much tears... there's only so many sleepless nights... days without food... and not acting or feeling like yourself a girl can take...

i think PJ said it best... "I miss my old Tiff... The one before the boyfriend with the cool name..."  *sigh* i miss her too...

Nola*

i believe you...

yep... another depressing blog... but that's life... the sweet is never as sweet... without the bitter... let's get to it...

i think the best song to describe my life is one by the fine brother Common... Go...



i wish shit was as easy as this video... it sucks when you actually realize what's in someone heart... what they have the potential to do to you when you're not around... as much as i don't want to believe he could cheat... he could throw away everything just like that... i do...

the shit that use to seem so sincere... isn't... the things that use to be so natural seem forced... and it bites... bites big donkey balls...

i don't think i've made it through a week without crying in months...

when someone shows you who they are... you should believe them the first time... and ever though it's taken more than one time... i believe you...

Nola*

Been a minute...

Lots has happened... Good... and bad... but that's life...

The bestie and I are no longer as close as we use to be... I miss her terribly... but people are in your life for seasons... and our 12 year season I feel has come to a close... I won't get into what my reason is... or what I think her reason is... but I guess it's necessary on both parts...

Ny and I have had a really rough month... things are starting to get back to normal... but sadly, some days... I think this is just the beginning of the end...

Now I know every relationship has it's problems... but these problems are starting to take a tole on the person that I am... There was a week were I literally cried at least twice a day... everyday... there were two days where the only thing that I could stomach to eat was crackers... and I only had like 4 of those... there was two days that went by where I did not sleep... I honestly felt like I was falling into a mild depression...

And on the real... I feel like I'm losing him... I feel like he's just waiting for the next best thing to come along... I feel like he's no longer in love with me...

I could handle him just telling me he's not sure about us... but he puts a mask over what I feel are his true feelings by saying, "Babe... everything is fine..." my gut tells me otherwise... and my gut... is rarely wrong...

I just wish things could go back to the way they use to be... when we were so in love... and he was so fascinated by me... and he wanted to spend every waking moment with me... and always called... and didn't forget about me... forget about the things that made me happy... but the truth is things never go back to being the same... they either get better or get worse...

It seems like the only time he feels the need to fight for me is when I'm walking out the door... the only time he fights is when there a trauma in the relationship... I can't understand why he has to wait til then to show he loves me...

He seems to want to go out to bars more... when I ask... hey... you want to hook up? he say "Uh... I might be going out tonight..." or "...they boys and I might hit up a bar..."

Then there are all the questions that go unanswered... I really feel sometime he goes behind my back and does dirt... Can't really prove it... and honestly... at this point... I don't want to...

I wish I could go back to the good old days... when love was only about candy and holding hands...

Nola*

funerals... bulls tickets... and feelings

yep... i'm pissed... and i'm probably gonna be that way for a while...

Ny went to the Bulls vs Wizards game last night... at first he said he wasn't going... then at the 11th hour he decided to get tickets...

now salty is an understatement for what i was... i had already expressed to him that i had REALLY wanted to go to the game... but he had his money tied up in a few things so i understood why he didn't want to buy the tickets... so i proceeded to make a doctors appt. and hit the gym afterwards... now i could have rescheduled that gym... but my doctor charges you a missed appt fee if you don't cancel in 24 hrs... (this is gonna be one of those rambling blogs... just stay with me... i'm gonna bring it in...)

Ny has ALWAYS been the type to wait to the last minute... nothing is ever planned with us... even when we're going to make plans... he'll call me 1 hour before and be like... what do you want to do... it's NEVER... hey... i got something planned for us... it sucks to be thought of at the last minute... i don't feel like a priority at ALL...

trying to talk to him is useless... cause he winds up yelling... and me crying... and i just don't feel like dealing with it today... or this week...

i'm trying help plan a funeral... my Godfather passed a month ago... (yes... a month) he's being buried in Arlington Cemetery... and i'm driving to Philly for the 1st funeral... and then driving back to VA for burial... i hate funerals... and i've just been really trying to have a positive outlook on the whole thing... and not be a Debbie Downer... but shit... i've reach my breaking point.... i'm just over this whole thing at this point...

i don't feel he cares about my feelings...

yeah... relationships suck today... all this feelings and trying to make shit work is for the birds...

Nola*

the boyfriend and i had an amazing weekend... we went to the National Baltimore Aquarium... saw some fish and shit... hit a couple of food spot (i got a little tipsy) went back to the hotel... and made woopie... good ole' fashion woopie...

he really opened up to me during dinner on Saturday night... he talked to me about his past relationship with his ex and why they didn't work out... he asked me questions about my last relationship and why i stayed with him, even though i cheated on him for 5 of the 6 years we were together... and i gave him upfront and honest answers...

so i thought this would be perfect time to talk about the few issues i have with his family... which actually has nothing to deal with their personalities... but more so to deal with the current health of them...

i really thought that my concern was valid... being that i may be the person to bare his children one day... but once i brought up the subject i was quickly shut down and put in my place...

i hit a nerve... a big one... and when someone becomes defensive about something that can indicate that there is a serious matter below the surface...

but it's going to have to be talked about... even if it means a knock down drag out fight... (and i's knows how to whoops some ass)

Nola*

30 Day letter challenge...

Let's see how this works... Write 1 letter ever day... about a particular subject...

Day 1... Your best friend...

Dear Dee Dee,
      
         You rock... and i'll run that sushi eatin x boyfriend of yours over with my 8 speed... don't worry about where you are right now in life... you're right were you're suppose to be... I love you... ur a big ole' buddle of amazing... and don't you forget it...

Love,
Tiffany*

x boyfriend... fuck off...

just letting you know ahead of time... this is about to be an angry black girl post... 

as some of you might have read in previous post... i was in a 6 year relationshit... yeah... i spell it right... relation capital S H I T... fuck all that... he's a good guy... we just weren't meant for each... nigga was an inconsiderate BROKE asshole... yeah... i'll admit i was a dumb for sticking with his ass for so long... and yeah... i cheated on him for 5 of the 6 years we were together... (say something...)  but the point of this blog is not to bash him... the point of this blog is to tell him to FUCK OFF.

both of us have moved onto different relationship... and i feel when you move on to a new relationship... you cut off all ties to friends and family that were made in you old relationship... if you didn't want to make me happy... leave my family the fuck alone...

Drew (that's the x's name) called my father up and asked him to lunch... mind you out of the 6 years we were together i can recall this lame broke nigga paying 4 times... (yes... sad... i know... even sadder that i put up with it...) and now you want buy my father food... fuck you... i don't care if he see's him as a father figure... HE'S MY FATHER... not urs... and it's not my fault you don't know you're daddy... go find his ass and then you won't have to worry about find a father figure...

wooooosaahhhhhhh.... okay... i'm done... just had to get that out...

Nola*

PS... Method Man can get it... sexy sexy sexy...