*sigh* don't even know a title for this one...

"God I don't know where to begin... I'm so lost... I can't even pretend... like the [guy] that i see right in front of me don't have control... [he's] like a friend to my heart... key to my future... lover of soul..."


so... i've been dating this guy... about 3 months...

i've met his family... he's met mine... i've met his friends... well... i already know most of them... and he's been introduced to mine... we see each other at least once a week... talk at least once a day... sounds like a relationship doesn't it... but it's not...

i've been investing time... money... and most importantly my heart into this guy... and he's worth it... but at some point something is gonna have to be defined for what it is... either we're together... or we're not...

let me put it like this...

i myself am a company... i have hired people to work for me... and the people that work for me are always taken care of... the get all the benefits of being apart of my life... love... support... whatever... you can ask anyone who's close to me... i always... ALWAYS take care of those close to me... as they do me...

now i'm looking to fill this one position in my company... and recently i came across an applicant that seemed to fit the bill of the "boyfriend" position... so... in order to convince this person they should take the job... i've been letting this person see the benefits of the "boyfriend" without actually signing a contract... and in the meantime... i've been telling all the other people that are attempting to put in for this position that even though the position hasn't been filled yet... i have a potential person for the job... but i'll get back with them if this person doesn't decide to join my company...

now it's been almost 90 days... and a contract hasn't been signed... so i have to be fair... to myself... and to the other applicants... and give other people a chance to fill this position if he wont...

and i don't think i'm wrong for that at all...

i want to be with someone who wants to be with me... and if that's not you... then cool... no hard feeling... i still think your a wonderful person... but i gotta go... and continue on the search to find my fit... the one for me...

i just don't think it's fair to string someone along... and i'm starting to feel like that... i just need clarity one way or the other... i'm trying to fight for this... but i need to know that we're fighting for the same things... and that we want the same things from each other... and at this point... if you don't know what you want from this situation then i can't deal with you anymore... *wipes tears*

i love you... but i love me more...

Tiffany*

down the Hall... to the left... there's love...

before i get started i want to wish a very special happy birthday to my bestie!!!! she turned 27 today... and she got an early b day present... Kendrick... her first born son... he's so wonderful... just like her... congrats mama Yani! now... let's get to it...

i was gonna blog about what i've been doing the past few weekends... but i'll save that for another post...

i went to Ny's (well inside) house for the first time on Sunday... it's a very cozy home... and after sitting there quietly for a while... i can tell that it's a house that has been filled with love... great conversations... lessons learned... tears that have been shed and wiped away with comfort, support, and the reassurance that everything will be ok... and tough love... i sensed a lot of that... lol...

now... out of all of the things that i noticed in his house... the one thing... well... the one person actually that stood out the most was his grandmother... I walked down a short hall to meet her... but what that hall lacked in depth it made up for in memories...

it was filled of pictures of a very strong and tight nit family that has been built over many years... the last picture that i noticed was a beautiful young woman... she looked like a porcelain doll... she wasn't smiling... but at the same time she didn't look sad... her picture emanated a type of confidence that high fashion models dream of having... the type of confidence that you could tell that she was born with... i would come to realize that woman was Ny's grandmother who they affectionately called... "Na Na"

"Na Na" is a smalled framed woman... who can stand with the help of a walker... and hear with the assistance of a hearing aid... she's has a very fragile frame and a beautiful smile... yet the same confidence that i saw in that picture taken of her so many years ago... still radiated from the woman that stood before me...

she stood up to greet me... extended her hand... and asked me if i'm taking care of her grandson... and i assured her that i was... and in those few short moments i had been introduced to the foundation of the Hall family...

after leaving Ny's house "Na Na" came to my mind...

it's hard to say goodbye to people that have watched us grow over the years... people that have guided us on the right path... and are a major part of the reason that we are so successful... we think that they'll be with us forever... until that day comes when we realize their time is limited on this earth... and we will only have memories of them to hold onto... and i know this is what Ny is going through now... and actually this is what i'm dealing with as well...

as a child i remember my grandmother (well she's my grandmother by marriage... but she's always treated me like blood...) always in the kitchen... as a matter of fact my fondest memory is of this checkerboard chocolate and vanilla cake... it was amazing... i still can figure out how she made it look like a checkerboard... but she did... she always put care, love, and creativity into her cooking... and instilled that into her children... and grandchildren... and great grandchildren...

now the women that made that amazing checkerboard cake can hardly walk... she has to have help to do practically everything... but... she still has her wit about her... and is still able to bring creativity out of everyone and everything around her...

a while ago i went to visit her... and expressed to her how thankful i am that i had the opportunity to have a grandmother like her... who always treated me like i was her own... who allowed me to let me know how it felt to be loved by a grandma (gotta give flowers while you can still smell them...) ... cause it's different than parents... or siblings love... it's the type of love that's always kind... and helps you to realize what real love truly is... you know the kind of love that the Bible describes... and i'm just glad that i am loved like that...

Nola*

sometimes i can be my own worst enemy...

all my life... i've told by my parents how pretty... or wonderful... or loving... or giving... or talented... or how i made them so proud... and i actually believed them... i would walk around with my head held high... and shoulders back... thinking that i was God's gift to man... that i was special... and unique...

but with time... age... loves lost... and friends that weren't really friends... i found myself not feeling as marvelous as my parents told me i was... i developed insecurities... (which i still deal with to some extent to this day) i became guarded... to the point i would refuse to make new friends... and i became cold... and made it very difficult for any man to love me...

i was my own worst enemy...

but now... i'm at a point where i'm willing to take chances... and not being caught up in the nostalgia of how i once felt... because that's life... things chance... and you have to as well...

i have started to give the best of myself to every situation... so if and when there comes a time i have to walk away from it... i can know that i did all that i could to make it work... friends... loves... whatever...

and that's the difference between walking through life... and living it...

Nola*

foolishness... good times... and great friends...

before i get started i just want to say that i think my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world... not just because she's my mom... but because she really is... she's loving, kind, honest, a lush (a very funny lush... she came in the house drunk last night saying, "I am a momma bear... and no one fucks with my cub..." lol... gotta love it...) and a great mom....

let's get to it...

yesterday i called Siyani up and asked what she was doing... (Yani is 9 months sperminated...) so i told her that i would come scoop her and we'd go out... it was a nice day... and i knew she didn't want to be in the house...

i ride to her crib... (of course she wasn't ready) so i go in... and see her trying to put on her gucci sneakers... lol... her feet are pretty swollen at this point... but she managed to get them on with a little help... once she gets her pennies (inside jk) in her shoes we then ride out... we head down to the water front and eat at some Mexican spot... the food took to long and wasn't that good... but we made it work... we then go to Buzz Bakery... (i'm actually here writing this blog as we speak... lol... love this place...) grab some cupcakes... and then head home...

and after i dropped her off... i realized that this might be the last day i spend with her... as just Yani... next time we go out... she'll be Yani... the mommie...

Yani and I have been friends for 11+ years... and we literally have nothing in common... truth be told... i'm not sure how we have become such good friends... we are from different sides of the track... we like different things... we go to different places... and we date different types of guys...

at times i get jealous of her other friends... because she can relate to them better than myself... she has a best friend who is a mom... which she soon will be... a best friend who likes to do the same things that she does... which i don't... a best friend... well... that's more like her... than i am...

but at the end of the day Yani has always assured me that our relationship is unique... and has great value... and i believe her... when i'm with her... i laugh... i cry... i smile... i... just can be me... at that's all that matters... there's a saying by Dr. Seuss... "be who you are... and say how you feel... because the people that mind don't matter... and the people that matter don't mind..." and that's why she matters so much to me... and i to her...

at the same time i have a girlfriend who is a great reflection of me... we eat the same foods... shop at the same places... and go out to the same spots...

Nicole has been a great blessing in my life... and even though she's across the country she's very close to my heart... we always hang when she's in town (she'll be back soon... i need to get my kidneys ready... it get's ignorant when she's here...)... what's even better is that she's introduced me to another lady that i've gotten very close with...

Deanna... how can i describe her... pretty... lovable... smart... and ditsy... lol... she's so pretty... she's fun loving... she'll get you shitfaced drunk... and take care of you by cooking you noodles and making sure you drink water... lol... but every time we hang, i get closer to her...

looks like it wont be to hard for me to get those bridesmaids together for my wedding (if i EVER get married...) after all...

at the end of the day... if feel like our friends are a reflection of what's really in our hearts... and maybe even what we strive to be... and if that's the case... i must want to be a pretty amazing person...

love you guys...

Nola*

ok... let's make this simple...

cause i'm starting to get very... very... very... uncomfortable...

here's the stuff that makes me happy...

• phone calls...
• returning my calls...
• texting me...
• returning my texts...
• wanting to see me... (which you do...)
• doing stuff just because... (you're really good at that... seeing me in the middle of the week really makes me feel special... and those flowers were wonderful)
• spending time with me... once a week... if more that's cool... but i can good with once a week... and when i say once a week... it doesn't have to be a lot of time... even if it's 20 minutes after your game... just sitting in the car talking... just being around you makes me happy... doesn't matter when... or where... or how long... (you're really great at this too...)

here's the stuff that makes me sad...

• not hearing from you...
• not returning my texts... and you told me that you got it... (yeah... that makes me feel really un-important...)

and that's it... now to me... it doesn't seem like a lot... but who knows... i'm just trying to give you a better understanding of what makes me tick... cause you're a great guy... and i'm a great girl... and i just want to be great... together... ok... bye... ;-)

Nola*

*sigh* ugh...

tellum how you feel tuesday....

i know... it's wednsday... i meant to post this last night... but Nyquil took over... that stuff is amazing...

let's get to it... cause i need to vent...

• there are days where i miss my x (Drew) not the relationship... but just my friend... we talked everyday for 6 years... and now... well... we might only talk once or twice a month... there are days where i just want my friend back... but i understand that things can't and won't go back to being the same...
• i don't have ugly friends... i know... sounds mean... but i don't... all of my friends are dimes or better... and they also have to have great personalities... don't judge me...
• i prayed that i would win the lottery... just so i can drive to bethesda and slap the shit out of this fire crotch bitch... that tried to get me fired... but she's actually about to get walked out the door... so i got the last laugh...
• i need to get laid this weekend... i'm talking about a serious thrashin' ... and i plan on doin so... bow chika bow bow...
• the women that work in my building suck... accept for like 3...
• i falling in love with someone... and i'm now totally confused about how i feel because another factor has now been added to the mix... i just need clarity... now... right the fuck now...
• i also have a bad gut feeling about the person i'm falling for... my gut has been wrong before... but i just don't know... sucks... major...

that's all for now...

Nola*